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View Full Version : The Pale Man ~ MovieGal's Short Story


MovieGal
09-06-14, 02:38 PM
As many know, one of my favorite directors is Guillemo del Toro. I love fairy tales and mythology as well. I could never find a myth about the Pale Man featured in "Pan's Labyrinth" so I decided to write my own.

http://i59.tinypic.com/kdvk7r.jpg

The Pale Man
(This story is based off the "Pale Man" character from Guillemo del Toro's film "Pan's Labyrinth", The story is my own.)

There was a young boy, poor and dirty. His family was very poor that they could not afford food each day. There would be days they would not eat, not even a scrap of bread. One day, a man approached the boy and told him, "if you go into this cave and retrieve a diamond for me, I will give you more than enough money to last your family a lifetime". The boy was very excited, he had hoped what the man said was true. His family would never starve and they could afford new clothing, a better place to live and be content the rest of their lives. He asked the man why he was unable to retrieve the diamond himself. The man said “The opening to the cave was small and that only a child could go through the entrance. A boy about your size, young man.”

The day came for the boy to help the man and they went to the mouth of the cave. The man said "Remember only to retrieve the diamond, do not touch anything, do not take anything that is not what you are going in there for. You must promise me this because if you take what is not intended for you then you could surely die". The boy promised he would not take anything.

He went into the cave and as he went deeper, he could see a light. He came upon a room where a beautiful banquet was set out, food like you could not imagine. The food was so tempting but the boy remembered what the man had said. As he came closer to the table, he noticed the food was laid out on gold plates, gold goblets held tempting liquid, gold eating forks and spoons next to each plate. At the end of the table was a body of a man, pale in skin. As he gazed to the Pale Man, he had no eyes. His face was just a mouth and a nose. The Pale Man was sitting at the table and did not move as the boy came closer. He noticed the man's hands held long fingers with sharp fingernails.

He did not know what to think of the Pale Man. He was surely the strangest person the boy had seen. Then he noticed the diamond on a table next to the Pale Man. He walked over and picked up the diamond and the man didn't move. He just sat there. The boy began to walk away with diamond and thought to himself "Oh, if I take a grape, no harm will be done". As he reached out and picked a piece of grape from the elegant plate, the Pale Man stirred. The boy looked and notice the man's hands were not on the table anymore. The palms of his hands held his eyes, which were upon his face where the eye sockets should be. The eyes blinked and looked around, as the Pale Man rose from his seat.

The boy began to become scared and hurried from the cave. On his way out, the young boy noticed in the corner a pile of bones, human bones. The Pale Man continued to move closer to the boy, he began to cry and panic. He rushed out of the banquet room and ran as fast as he could to the man who was waiting for the diamond. The boy spoke quickly to the man about the Pale Man from the banquet room. The man said "I told you not to touch anything but what you were sent for. You were a greedy young man and shall pay for your greed." The man took the young boy and pushed him back into the cave and moved a big rock to block the entrance to the cave. The man could hear the young boy's screams as he was pulled apart by the Pale Man.

http://i57.tinypic.com/15d2uso.jpg

I hope you enjoy. Constructive Criticism is welcome!

http://lapoetisaoscura.weebly.com/

VFN
09-14-14, 04:12 AM
You held my interest, created suspense nicely, it's well-written, but the ending felt haphazard and unsatisfying. If you were to keep the ending maybe you could develop the character of the old man in some way so we understand his motive better or at least give us something to chew on as to why he did what he did. You should keep on writing.

MovieGal
09-14-14, 08:15 PM
Thanks for the comment VFN. I tend to have problems with the end of some of my stories. At the bottom of that posting is a link to my blog.. Im mainly a poet... but I have wrote a few short stories and such.. please feel free to read them. Send me any comments you would like via pm here.

MovieGal
03-18-15, 05:44 PM
looking around for another thread...I found this thread... so I figured I would bump it up for others to enjoy... would anyone else like to read some of my writings? I have a new story idea...

Mr Minio
03-18-15, 06:23 PM
The story was amazing, if a little bit unoriginal. You state your influence to be Pan's Labyrinth. I understand you just wanted to write a myth about the Pale Man. It's very similar to what's happened in the movie, but I take it as intentional. I like your use of vocabulary. I'm not sure if you can call it abundant, but given I'm not a native speaker, I'd call it like that.

The ending is pure unadulterated evil. For a moment I forgot who wrote it and expected a sweet ending with the boy getting enough money to make his family prosper, but then I remembered who is the author and I can't say I'm surprised. I even laughed in the evilest way possible when I was reading about blocking the entrance. Well, it makes the morale stronger, but I don't know if it's appropriate for little kids!

MovieGal
03-18-15, 06:26 PM
Minio, none of my writings have a happy ending except one, at least when it comes to my story telling. Some of my poetry is of love but most of them are dark as well. Perhaps I should write a poem inspired by your love of kink! if I do, I will share it with you. :P

My other story idea is inspired by scenes of a music video.. and its extremely gruesome.. Yes...thats me.. the weird chick who loves and thinks of everything in a gory way.. but you love me for that!