Need a little girl advice [Archive]

Equilibrium

12-01-05, 01:41 PM

So the gf has been missing in action for the past three days.

I called her twice last night: no answer.

This is from a girl who calls me 20 (sometimes 30) times a day, and we always talk to each pother for 3 hours before going to sleep.

What reason could there be that she just randomly stopped?

Ok what I'm shooting for is....is it possible for a girl to fall out of love with you overnight? what about if she met someone else? maybe shes been having cold feet?

We've been together for 3 months now and talk of marriage is abundant...why would she do this?

Should I keep calling her? Or back off?
Any inisght will be helpful...im a bit hurt.

SamsoniteDelilah

12-01-05, 02:19 PM

When you call, do you leave a message? Can she tell you've been calling? If so, I'd say stop calling for awhile. But do not jump to conclusions. Wait til you can talk to her and find out what's been going on. It's entirely possible it has nothing to do with you. If she's had some sort of emergency, she should be calling you soon to let you know she's ok. If it's a sudden case of cold feet or something, then giving her some space is a good idea. Don't take it personally though, at least til you find out what's going on.

Pyro Tramp

12-01-05, 02:20 PM

If in doubt, wait it out.

Trust me, works everytime in any situation. Don't piss her off by being clingy and constantly ringing her, just wait for her to come talk to you and it will probably be a simple misunderstanding or something she needs support with. Just be there when she comes to you.

Don't let paranoia eat you up, when stuff like that has happened with me, i always assumed the worse, in one case she hadn't called for a while because her Nan had been taken seriously ill.

Equilibrium

12-01-05, 02:26 PM

Alright, thanks for the advice.Yeah she can tell when I call. So I guess I'm just going to back off for a bit.

any input still would be appreciated.

SmegFirk

12-01-05, 02:30 PM

Definately patience. If you are as serious as you say (marriage etc) why do you think of possible cold feet or another person? Such thoughts suggest a lack of trust.

Hope she contacts you soon, and that her quietness isn't due to anything bad.

The Watcher

12-01-05, 02:45 PM

Are you at all worried about her well-being? Do you know that she is still alive and well? Not to put morbid thoughts in your mind-I say if you know that she is okay wait it out but if you are a little bit concerned checking in wouldn't be a bad thing and you could just explain that you were worried.

Equilibrium

12-01-05, 03:01 PM

SamsoniteDelilah

12-01-05, 03:24 PM

Doesn't look good, Buddy.
*hugs*

7thson

12-01-05, 04:24 PM

I do not know the whole situation so I cannot pretend to know what is going on, but I will tell you something that happened to me in my younger days. I met this girl and we hit it off nice. We had much in common and we enjoyed each other very much. We were together for about 4 months when her ex-boyfriend moved back home. They had split up because he was moving and there would be no way for them to have a long distance relationship. I have no idea why he moved back, but I am sure she had something to do with it She hardly ever talked about him, but I knew from her friends that their breakup had been very tough on both of them. I also found out that they had been together for a very long time. Well in the end they got back together and even though I was bitter, I saw how happy they were together and knew that even though we made a good couple we did not come close to what they shared. Like I said I do not know the situation, but if she had a long and good relationship with her ex it is tough to give that up. Give her a little time and do not be so hard on yourself.

Equilibrium

12-01-05, 05:24 PM

7thson

12-01-05, 05:29 PM

Thanks...

no actually she always told me about how badly he treated her. She told me she hated him.

I should have known that hate is wehat lies at the core of love...she hates him because she loves him.

I hope when you say "badly" you do not mean anything physical, if that is the case let me know and I will help you teach him the error of his ways. Not that you need any help, I just hate guys like that though. Good Luck.

Yoda

12-01-05, 06:32 PM

EDIT: I wrote this before I saw that this has been somewhat resolved, but figured I might as well leave it up anyway.

Couldn't agree with the others more; the last thing you wanna do is become any kind of burden. If there's a problem with you, then trying to get through to her won't help. And if there's a problem with something else, you want to be as hassle-free as possible until she sorts it out. You've made it known that you're there if she needs you; the rest is up to her.

That said, this is none of my business, but I felt compelled to mention that this...

We've been together for 3 months now and talk of marriage is abundant...why would she do this?
...might answer itself. Things that start too quickly often have the capability of ending just as quickly, and anyone impulsive enough to discuss marriage seriously after just 3 months of dating is surely impulsive enough to shut the whole thing down in 3 days.

EDIT: Okay, now that I've read the update (http://www.movieforums.com/community/showpost.php?p=300064&postcount=7), I do have some thoughts. I hope they're of some help to you.

If this is a recurring thing, as you've implied, then I think the logical explanation is simple clinginess. Some people fall in love quickly, and are prone to romanticization. They idolize their significant other and want the same kind of attention in return.

There's nothing inherently wrong with this, but it only works if you're with someone who feels the same way. And in my experience, most people only do for a short period of time. The same newness and excitement that attracts them to such an emotionally charged relationship in the first place inevitably attracts them to a new relationship (or the resurrection of the old one).

I don't pretend to know precisely what love is, but as time goes on and I go through more relationships, I can't help but suspect that real love doesn't have those insanely high highs and low lows; that it's far steadier and more reliable than that. I think the emotional roller coaster stuff is more likely to be infatuation.

I hope you figure this out; it probably doesn't mean much to hear someone say they can relate, but I can. I've been there (not that long ago, actually), and the only way to feel better about it, aside from the mere passage of time, is understanding why it happened and then learning from it.

Ophelia

12-01-05, 06:43 PM

She just called.

I at first pretended like I wasn't too phased by the fact that she hasn't called me in forever. But then I kind of nervously mentioned it and she said she was busy with work.
And then there was silence.

And then she said her Ex-boyfriend and her have recently been talking about "stuff".

And then more silence.

And then she said she is really confused right now and doesn't know what to do. I tried to be as supportive as I can and I told her that if she needed to talk about anything, I would gladly listen. Then she said she doesn't want to lose me, but she needs some time.

I told her okay, and said I needed to go. Bye-Bye. No Ilove yous in this convo.

I hung up and threw the phone as hard as I can.

****, why does this **** always happen to me.

now what?

I am sorry to hear what has been going on. I am sure you are mentally exhausted.

What she needs to do is give you an answer, if she wishes to be with you or if she does not wish to be with you. I know she is confused, but the position she is putting you in is in my opinion unfair.

If you wish, give her the time to come to a conclusion about what she wants, but don't let it go on for so long that you put your life on hold for her.

Its ultimately your decision, you know what is in your heart.

Take care.

Darth Stujitzu

12-01-05, 08:16 PM

Relationships are mucho complicated, and it's difficult to be general when there are so many factors involved.
The ex-boyfriend thing has a habbit of messing things up beyond repair, and as you stated, some girls dig the old treat them mean keep them kean kinda guy.
Communication is key in every relationship, but men and women definetly come from two very different places, and things can often be misconstrued or misunderstood.
Although it's hard, I've always gone with the philosophy that if a girl you're with is flirting or leading another man on, they're not worth the effort, I hate all the stupid games that people play, and for me it shows the relationship is not that strong.
The first 3 months of every relationship are normally pretty intense and great, but eventually you notice little foibles, if you can happily live with them then your relationship has a good chance.
I'm no expert, I'm a straight talking guy, but still it causes trouble, indeed some of my ex's have thought I was bluffing by being so up front and honest.
It's never easy, but if you really love someone then you will be willing to put up with the extra effort.
Good luck, but if the silence and ex boyfriend thing continues, walk away before you get too badly hurt.

Equilibrium

12-01-05, 08:54 PM

I hope when you say "badly" you do not mean anything physical, if that is the case let me know and I will help you teach him the error of his ways. Not that you need any help, I just hate guys like that though. Good Luck.

As a matter of fact, yes he used to hit her.

Yoda and the rest, I don't know what brings more tears to my eyes, my girlfriend doing this or you guys taking the 5 or so minutes out of your life to help someone else. I do appreciate everything you wrote and I am taking it to heart, believe me. Yoda especially for making me step back a bit and reanaylize what I thought love was. I guess you are right in that love is more of a steady feeling than highs and lows. I can't exactly say what my gf and I have exactly, but it surely feels like love that is for sure.

So after thinking this over a bit, I've decided there is only really one best situation for me. I'm not going to send her flowers and call her and all of that. She needs to know that I'm here for here, but at the same time I can stand on my own feet and I'll move on without her if I have to. She has until Monday to deliberate in her space, if she calls me after that, the conversation is going to be about how I need to walk away from her.

Sleezy

12-02-05, 12:03 AM

The thing about relationships is that, for most people, there's an inherent fear of screwing something up. When it comes to love (and possibly courtship, marriage, and further on), you naturally want to make the right decisions. You don't want to end up with the wrong person, and you want to get through it with as little heartbreak as possible. But love is impossible to figure out, and you can end up getting confused, and torn in all directions.

She's got you on her plate, and she's got this other guy on the table. She has feelings for both, and she wants to make the right call about who to stick with. But she doesn't know the answer, and she doesn't want to get hurt. That's what it sounds like to me.

You'd think it would be easy. "I'm happy with this guy, so I'll just stay with him." But it isn't that easy for some people, and rightfully so (because it's never that easy). The heart is illogical, and if it's been hurt before, it anticipates getting hurt again - in the end, it just wants to be happy.

I don't know if I'm right or wrong about the situation, but that's my insight. I'd like to give you some advice, but I don't really know what to say, because I don't know her or you, or your relationship. But I will say this:

If you love her and want to stick with her, whatever you do, don't give her a reason to leave. She might leave without one, and that's her call. But don't give her one. (And don't give her everything, either. I'm not saying she'll be a mooch, but I don't know how many times I've seen somebody give his/her partner space, who gets comfortable with the leniency and walks all over him/her. Relationships are supposed to be a mutual thing. Seems like you've got a handle on that already.)

I'm so very sorry that this kind of thing happens, but it happens to us all. We know these feelings very well, the good and the bad, and it's just something you have to stick with, work on, and hope things come through in the end. Major kudos for talking about it, because it always helps to get it out, and to hear what others have to say. :)

nebbit

12-03-05, 04:21 AM

We've been together for 3 months now and talk of marriage is abundant...why would she do this?

I think that there is your problem, if you are going out only 3 months why are you talking Marriage, you are still in the lust phase of the relationship. :yup:

You may think that this is the one but it is really just the passion you are reacting to. Take your time, get to know each other, what is the rush,? If she is the right one time will prove that.:yup:

Sorry to hear about what has been going on with you and her, why do woman who go back to men who abuse them, maybe it is a rescue thing, "if i show him what real love is then he will change" i see it a lot in my work.:(

People have given you some good advice here

:love: to You

Sexy Celebrity

12-03-05, 02:13 PM

As a matter of fact, yes he used to hit her.

Then that's why she went back to him. I've read about how people can get so attached to their violent lover. The victim stays because he/she actually in a way likes the violence. It's all a domination/BDSM psyche type thing without the leather and whips. I know someone who dated a guy for awhile, very nice boy, but he left her to go back to his abusive Asian ex-girlfriend. Sometimes happiness is ruined by an old pair of chopsticks. You have to move on and find Ms. Right. Not Ms. Fight.

7thson

12-03-05, 03:18 PM

Then that's why she went back to him.

This could possibly be true, but I think it is a bit presumptious to generalize this. It could be she loves her ex despite his problems instead of because of them. Although I do not disagree that what you say is common it is not all emcompassing.

BTW EQ if you ever wanna PM me feel free to do so. Best of luck.:)

SmegFirk

12-03-05, 05:42 PM

As other people have said, we do not know either of you personally and can only be fairly general with our advice.

From the information in this thread I think you should walk away. The fact that she is even considering her abusive ex over you demonstrates that she is less committed to the relationship than you thought.

It is natural sometimes to reminisce and think about what might have been, but if she was totally committed those thoughts would have passed quickly and you might have never known. The fact that these thoughts made her completely change the communication routine that you have had, and disappear for three days, is alarming.

she said she was busy with work.
And then there was silence.

And then she said her Ex-boyfriend and her have recently been talking about "stuff".

And then more silence.

That is especially alarming. Was she so busy that she could not send you a message or an email? I also wonder how recently is "recently"?

I may be being too harsh, only you know, but she has definitely broken major levels of trust.

undercoverlover

12-04-05, 12:55 PM

i live by the maxim - 'sh.it happens'
try not to let her get to you and jus go with the flow, see what happens and just do what you need to do to make sure you're happy. Thats all anyone can really do.

John McClane

12-04-05, 02:02 PM

Strummer521

12-04-05, 02:35 PM

Yoda and the rest, I don't know what brings more tears to my eyes, my girlfriend doing this or you guys taking the 5 or so minutes out of your life to help someone else. I do appreciate everything you wrote and I am taking it to heart

and yet you think mofo is not very good anymore (as you have made a thread about.) ....you're a silly goose.

Equilibrium

12-04-05, 03:18 PM

and yet you think mofo is not very good anymore (as you have made a thread about.) ....

Erm.

I said there weren't very many interesting threads left.

I didn't say that some of the people here are the reason why I stay.

you're a silly goose.

Ok, silly billy.

Strummer521

12-04-05, 03:28 PM

I said there weren't very many interesting threads left.

Ok, fair enough.

SamsoniteDelilah

12-04-05, 03:40 PM

I'm a little bit late on this advice but, I'll just say what I would have said. I've recently fell into a situation with a girl that had just broke up with a real jerk, as she so put it. I gave her some space for a week and asked if she was up to dating. She said no and I began to find out, through the use of her close friends that she still was crazy about him. Relationships can be screwy things and they are certainly confusing. That's a given. Hope everything works out. :)
This brings up something I've been trying to put into words, for myself as much as anybody else, so I'll just put it here.

I think there's a mirage effect in place with a person who has just gotten out of a relationship. They want to be over the old flame. They want to move on and be happy, so they act like they're ready for that. If you get involved with someone who is fooling themself in this way, you get dumped hard or else have a lot of waffling to endure while they try and work through their issues.

The signs are usually there, if they're not over it: they talk about the ex a lot. They claim to 'hate' them. When a person is truly over someone, they stop being part of the person's every day thought process.

The other consideration is this: if you had a relationship with this person you like, say for a year you go out and really care about each other, and then something happens and it ends. Would you want that person to be over you in a week? In two? So if you meet someone who's been in a relationship with someone else and they're 10 days out of it and claiming they're over it... that might be a sign that that person is either NOT really over their ex, or that they don't make very firm emotional connections in the first place.

John McClane

12-04-05, 04:24 PM

This brings up something I've been trying to put into words, for myself as much as anybody else, so I'll just put it here.

I think there's a mirage effect in place with a person who has just gotten out of a relationship. They want to be over the old flame. They want to move on and be happy, so they act like they're ready for that. If you get involved with someone who is fooling themself in this way, you get dumped hard or else have a lot of waffling to endure while they try and work through their issues.

The signs are usually there, if they're not over it: they talk about the ex a lot. They claim to 'hate' them. When a person is truly over someone, they stop being part of the person's every day thought process.

The other consideration is this: if you had a relationship with this person you like, say for a year you go out and really care about each other, and then something happens and it ends. Would you want that person to be over you in a week? In two? So if you meet someone who's been in a relationship with someone else and they're 10 days out of it and claiming they're over it... that might be a sign that that person is either NOT really over their ex, or that they don't make very firm emotional connections in the first place.Yup, that hit the nail right on the head. I figured as much that she wasn't really ready or wanted to move on. Eh, good things will happen sooner or later. Hopefully sooner. :)

nebbit

12-04-05, 05:38 PM

So how are you Libby :D

Equilibrium

12-04-05, 05:44 PM

So how are you Libby :D

Eh, good.

She has been calling and telling me alot of things.

I still need to sort out what is really going on with her. But I think maybe tonight or tomorrow night I am going to ask her to tell me why she keeps contradicting herself.

But through all of this I have this feeling we are gonn be together for quite a while. ya know?

I love her so much.

nebbit

12-04-05, 05:53 PM

But through all of this I have this feeling we are gonn be together for quite a while. ya know?

I love her so much.

How much does she love you? :yup:

John McClane

12-04-05, 07:09 PM

How much does she love you? :yup:
That question always kills me in my relationships. "Well, I think of you as a brother." :rolleyes: Just shoot me. It would be easier.

SmegFirk

12-04-05, 07:16 PM

That question always kills me in my relationships. "Well, I think of you as a brother." :rolleyes: Just shoot me. It would be easier.

I love you.... as a friend.

aaarrrrrggghhhhhhh

John McClane

12-04-05, 07:26 PM

I love you.... as a friend.Yup, grab you heart, pull it out, show it too you, slam it to the ground, and then stomp on it. :)

SmegFirk

12-04-05, 07:34 PM

Yup, grab you heart, pull it out, show it too you, slam it to the ground, and then stomp on it. :)

To be fair (a little), though, they don't know they have our heart most of the time. Usually because we haven't had the balls to tell them heh.

Equilibrium

12-04-05, 08:08 PM

To be fair (a little), though, they don't know they have our heart most of the time. Usually because we haven't had the balls to tell them heh.

True. But my girlfriend knows how much I love her, and She claims to love me more.

Nebbit, I don't know but she usually finds a way to top me.

Sleezy

12-04-05, 08:31 PM

The other consideration is this: if you had a relationship with this person you like, say for a year you go out and really care about each other, and then something happens and it ends. Would you want that person to be over you in a week? In two? So if you meet someone who's been in a relationship with someone else and they're 10 days out of it and claiming they're over it... that might be a sign that that person is either NOT really over their ex, or that they don't make very firm emotional connections in the first place.

Or that they were over it before they ended it (if they did the ending).

I feel like, if you truly, genuinely develop deep feelings for someone and it ends, you'll never be over that person. Emotions that run deep never go away.

To be fair (a little), though, they don't know they have our heart most of the time.

Maybe, but doing something that causes someone pain is alot easier when you can't feel it. It's kinda like kicking someone in the face: it hurts them a heckuva lot more than it hurts you.

nebbit

12-04-05, 10:35 PM

True. But my girlfriend knows how much I love her, and She claims to love me more.

Nebbit, I don't know but she usually finds a way to top me.

Love is not words it is actions, eg, if someone tells you "I love you" and they cheat or punch you, is that Love. :nope:

Darth Stujitzu

12-04-05, 10:49 PM

If you hear the following phrases run for the hill screaming :
" It's not you, it's me..."
" you're such a nice guy......"
" you deserve someone better......"
" you'll meet someone really special one day....."
" you'll end up with a really special person...."
Etc, blah , blah , blah
Man my teenage years were hell!
Although I've learnt many lessons over the years, women are a whole different ball of wax, all bets are off when it comes to the female of the species, just be happy they don't eat you after they mate!!!

Equilibrium

12-04-05, 11:00 PM

Or that they were over it before they ended it (if they did the ending).

I feel like, if you truly, genuinely develop deep feelings for someone and it ends, you'll never be over that person. Emotions that run deep never go away.

I agree. There is always going to be a part of you that remembers someone you once cared about. this is completely normal. For instance, I know that my first girlfriend is always going to be in my heart, and I feel as though it is the same with I am with now.

Maybe, but doing something that causes someone pain is alot easier when you can't feel it. It's kinda like kicking someone in the face: it hurts them a heckuva lot more than it hurts you.

Yea, but the next time you get kicked in the face, you realize how much damage you caused someone else.

Equilibrium

12-04-05, 11:01 PM

Love is not words it is actions, eg, if someone tells you "I love you" and they cheat or punch you, is that Love. :nope:

No I guess not. But what exactly are you saying?

Wait until the actions of my girlfriend speak for her words?

Does her sending me care packages, and cards count as action?

SamsoniteDelilah

12-04-05, 11:20 PM

Or that they were over it before they ended it (if they did the ending).
Again though, the question is: do you want to be with someone who does that? Do you want to be in a relationship with a person who acts like everything is cool and then says "yeah, nothing has been that great for me since last January... sorry" and moves on the following week? That person is not genuine with their partner. They weren't with the last one, so you can bet they won't be with you. Not if there was no time in between to figure things out.

I feel like, if you truly, genuinely develop deep feelings for someone and it ends, you'll never be over that person. Emotions that run deep never go away.
Sure, you're always going to be attracted to the qualities that attracted you in the first place. But you're not always going to be susceptable to starting things back up with that person.

SamsoniteDelilah

12-04-05, 11:28 PM

No I guess not. But what exactly are you saying?

Wait until the actions of my girlfriend speak for her words?

Does her sending me care packages, and cards count as action?
Not to put too fine a point on it, but YES, you should always wait til someone's actions back up their words. And honestly, her actions already did speak louder than her words: she tells you she "loves you more" and then she leaves you wondering if she's dead for 3 days? She should be on seriously thin ice with you right now.

Darth Stujitzu

12-04-05, 11:33 PM

Best girl advice you'll get is from other girls!!!
Sammy D speaketh the truth, plus she also speaks that unknown language " Women ", many men have tried and failed, hear her words of wisdom, she's like Yoda only much younger, less wrinkly and not so green or short!!! :laugh:
( hope she doesn't use the old mind trick on me for this post!!! )

SamsoniteDelilah

12-04-05, 11:35 PM

oh, but Darth... I already have!
MUAHahahahahahahahaaa!

Darth Stujitzu

12-04-05, 11:39 PM

oh, but Darth... I already have!
MUAHahahahahahahahaaa!

Why am I eating a bar of soap............

Sleezy

12-04-05, 11:43 PM

Again though, the question is: do you want to be with someone who does that? Do you want to be in a relationship with a person who acts like everything is cool and then says "yeah, nothing has been that great for me since last January... sorry" and moves on the following week?

Hard to say. Like I said, if emotions run deep, you tend to ask yourself, "Why did it have to end? Is she wrong? Am I wrong?" The questions you can't answer beat you into the ground, and you don't know anything anymore. (And while you're in the relationship, you don't know they've moved on until they say they have. Sure, there are indications, but you can't end the relationship yourself on a hunch, and you probably don't even want to. And when you ask them about it, and they say everything is okay, what are you supposed to do but trust them?)

In my experience, someone I cared for very much decided to move on, and I believe she had already made the decision some time before, and just didn't know how to tell me. I was pretty hurt, because my feelings were telling me that we really had something - and not only did she seemingly move on before we were split up, but she had already forgotten me a month later. That should have made me say, "Screw her, I don't need her." But it didn't. I felt like it was my fault, and things could have been different, yadda yadda. I was strung out over her for many, many months (and I still am, in some ways).

Sure, you're always going to be attracted to the qualities that attracted you in the first place. But you're not always going to be susceptable to starting things back up with that person.

Of course not. But you're not always going to be impervious to it, either.

nebbit

12-04-05, 11:52 PM

Not to put too fine a point on it, but YES, you should always wait til someone's actions back up their words. And honestly, her actions already did speak louder than her words: she tells you she "loves you more" and then she leaves you wondering if she's dead for 3 days? She should be on seriously thin ice with you right now.

What Sammi said :yup:

SamsoniteDelilah

12-04-05, 11:53 PM

Hard to say. Like I said, if emotions run deep, you tend to ask yourself, "Why did it have to end? Is she wrong? Am I wrong?" The questions you can't answer beat you into the ground, and you don't know anything anymore. (And while you're in the relationship, you don't know they've moved on until they say they have. Sure, there are indications, but you can't end the relationship on a hunch. And when you ask them about it, and they say everything is okay, what are you supposed to do?)

In my experience, someone I cared for very much decided to move on, and I believe she had already made the decision some time before, and just didn't know how to tell me. I was pretty hurt, because my feelings were telling me that we really had something - and not only did she seemingly move on before we were split up, but she had already forgotten me a month later. That should have made me say, "Screw her, I don't need her." But it didn't. I felt like it was my fault, and things could have been different, yadda yadda. I was strung out over her for many, many months (and I still am, in some ways).
I'm sorry to hear you went through that. Have done so myself, and I know it is disappointing. The "screw them" phase is important usually, in getting over a person. It's not a phase you have to spend the rest of your life in though. It's something you go through, during the process of accepting that it wasn't a good match. That is a lot harder when it was a good match for you, but not for the other person. That sucks moose, in fact.

Of course not. But you're not always going to be impervious to it, either.
What I've come to hope for, in relationships that have gone south, is to wish them the best (sincerely), but to know why it wasn't going to work out in the long run. Being constantly at the end of someone's string is not a happy circumstance, nor healthy. Every relationship I've gone through has taught me at least one thing that has made the next a better experience - even if what I learned was the "bail out NOW" sign.

Sleezy

12-05-05, 12:06 AM

I'm sorry to hear you went through that. Have done so myself, and I know it is disappointing. The "screw them" phase is important usually, in getting over a person. It's not a phase you have to spend the rest of your life in though. It's something you go through, during the process of accepting that it wasn't a good match. That is a lot harder when it was a good match for you, but not for the other person. That sucks moose, in fact.

Yeah, a big part of moving on is trusting that the person who showed you the door was really being honest with what was best for them, and that it was what they really wanted. (Although, my ex said that she also thought the decision was best for me, and I can't believe she f---ing said that. Who is she to say that?)

What I've come to hope for, in relationships that have gone south, is to wish them the best (sincerely), but to know why it wasn't going to work out in the long run. Being constantly at the end of someone's string is not a happy circumstance, nor healthy.

Let me ask you this:

Do you think friendship is possible between your ex - someone you've been very deeply in love with, and have shared so much with - months later? At all? I'm struggling with this right now. I'd like to stay friends with my ex, and she apparently wants to stay friends with me, but it's just so hard (there are so many factors). A good friend told me that it's impossible, but I didn't want to believe that. Now, I'm thinking he might be right.

Every relationship I've gone through has taught me at least one thing that has made the next a better experience - even if what I learned was the "bail out NOW" sign.

Let me ask you something else. What do you think about the idea of being in a relationship, but keeping in mind that it could end, and resolving to get out as soon as you know it won't work? Is that a healthy, realistic perspective? Or does "keeping your eye on the door" and leaving yourself an out make keeping any lasting relationship impossible?

SamsoniteDelilah

12-05-05, 12:25 AM

Yeah, a big part of moving on is trusting that the person who showed you the door was really being honest with what was best for them, and that it was what they really wanted. (Although, my ex said that she also thought the decision was best for me, and I can't believe she f---ing said that. Who is she to say that?)
heh... That would piss me off too, bud. It sounds like she was trying to smooth things over as much as possible. You're absolutely right though, that trusting them to have made an honest decision can be the hardest part - especially if they seemed to waffle toward the end. THen you're wondering if they gave it a serious shot, or what.

Let me ask you this:

Do you think friendship is possible between your ex - someone you've been very deeply in love with, and have shared so much with - months later? At all?
Yep. I am friends with several people I've had relationships with. Now, the "very deeply in love" thing... that tends to lead to messier breakups for most people. I've only had one really messy breakup, and I do think I could be friends with him, only his new gf won't allow him to talk to me. ha! I think if you value being friends with someone, then you make sure that you always treat them with respect. That means honesty on both sides, so that no one is blind-sided later.

Let me ask you something else. What do you think about the idea of being in a relationship, but keeping in mind that it could end, and resolving to get out as soon as you know it won't work? Is that a healthy, realistic perspective? Or does "keeping your eye on the door" make keeping any lasting relationship impossible?
The phrase that makes the difference here is "as soon as you know it won't work".

I think, ideally, both parties in a relationship need to have confidence that they know how to get into and out of relationships without a ton of unnecessary drama. Both people need to respect themself enough to be cautious about throwing their heart into something. Once you figure out that things are actually going to get off the ground, then it's crucially important that you both be committed to it and want to make it work, and be willing to work on it when needed. And THEN, if it becomes, as you say, clear that it just isn't going to work out for one or both of you, then you do need to get out of it while you are still being honest and up front with each other.

Also crucial to the whole situation is knowing what the absolute deal-breakers are for you, so you know when you really are at the end... and knowing how to resolve a conflict in a healthy way, so when you're not at the end, you can avoid winding up there over something stupid. Personally, I am on track to have these things figured out by the time I'm 60. :rolleyes:

nebbit

12-05-05, 12:29 AM

Let me ask you this:

Do you think friendship is possible between your ex - someone you've been very deeply in love with, and have shared so much with - months later? At all? I'm struggling with this right now. I'd like to stay friends with my ex, and she apparently wants to stay friends with me, but it's just so hard (there are so many factors). A good friend told me that it's impossible, but I didn't want to believe that. Now, I'm thinking he might be right.

In my experience, two things had to happen for me to remain friends with Ex's
1. I like them but I wasn't in love with them anymore, If i still loved them then it never worked it just made my heartache worse :(
2. That their new partner felt ok with us being friends.:yup:

I am going to a 21st party, Tiui tells me that her Mum will be there plus her 3 Ex,s, they all seem to get on quite well. :yup:

Let me ask you something else. What do you think about the idea of being in a relationship, but keeping in mind that it could end, and resolving to get out as soon as you know it won't work? Is that a healthy, realistic perspective? Or does "keeping your eye on the door" and leaving yourself an out make keeping any lasting relationship impossible?

I always go into a relationship being very positive, I can't see the point in thinking about it ending. I do keep my eyes open for any problems and always talk to my partner about my feelings and worries, then try to solve them. We all stay in bad relationships toooo long, that is human nature, as Sammi said there is always something to learn from all relationships so that the next will be better.:yup:

I know you asked Sammi but i wanted to answer it also, she may have another perspective, it is always good to hear different views. :D

SamsoniteDelilah

12-05-05, 12:51 AM

I know you asked Sammi but i wanted to answer it also, she may have another perspective, it is always good to hear different views. :D
I am glad you did! :yup:
You know more about these things than I.

nebbit

12-05-05, 12:58 AM

You know more about these things than I.

No I don't, I think your ideas were great. :yup:

Equilibrium

12-05-05, 12:58 AM

Guys, I'm liking what this thread has turned into and I am enjoying reading everyone's insights on love and pain. I ask of you to keep this thread going.

Nebbit I really agree with what you said. The part about being positive from the beggining is very true but, aren't we all cynical? Aren't we all paranoid that when we find the person we love, we will lose them?

It makes me think of Yoda, "Learn to let go of all the things you fear to lose".

I'm trying my best to apply this. I mean yes, I am very paranoid about losing my gf, and she knows this. In fact I think whenever small things happen, I read too much into them.

nebbit

12-05-05, 01:05 AM

Nebbit I really agree with what you said. The part about being positive from the beggining is very true but, aren't we all cynical? Aren't we all paranoid that when we find the person we love, we will lose them?

If you focus on losing the person then that doesn't leave much energy to make the relationship work. if you focus on making it work then you don't have to worry about being paranoid. :D

Equilibrium

12-07-05, 03:35 PM

Thanks nebbit. I appreciate your help.

Darth Stujitzu

12-07-05, 07:06 PM

Find 'em, fool 'em and forget 'em said a rather bitter Darth!!! :eek:

So speaketh the man going through a drought, dry spell......ha, try sahara desert!!! :laugh:

nebbit

12-07-05, 07:16 PM

Darth, Darth, we are all not bad :nope: ;D

Darth Stujitzu

12-07-05, 07:27 PM

Darth, Darth, we are all not bad :nope: ;D

Shucks, I know, but as the old saying goes : " women, can't live with them, can't shoot them!!! " :laugh:

Despite several ex bunny boilers, I still love the female of the species, and all their quirky ways!!!

SmegFirk

12-07-05, 07:41 PM

..Nebbit I really agree with what you said. The part about being positive from the beggining is very true but, aren't we all cynical? Aren't we all paranoid that when we find the person we love, we will lose them?...

Absolutely not. I'm 27 now and have (only) had 3 (what i would regard as) girlfriends. When i fall for (and more importantly get together with) somebody, it is forever. Hence my relationships are long, but few and far between. Corny? maybe, but i'm not one for quick flings or 'action'.

I've never dumped anyone, ever.