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CONEHEADS
Directed by Steve Barron
Released in 1993
Starring Dan Aykroyd as Beldar Conehead, Jane Curtin as Prymatt Conehead, Michelle Burke as Connie Conehead, Michael McKean as Gorman Seedling, David Spade as Eli Turnbull, Chris Farley as Ronnie, Jason Alexander as Larry Farber, Sinbad as Otto, Phil Hartman as Marlax, Jan Hooks as Gladys Johnson, Julia Sweeney as Principal, Ellen DeGeneres as Swim Coach, Michael Richards as Motel Clerk, Adam Sandler as Carmine, Drew Carey as Taxi Passenger, Tom Arnold as Golfer, Jon Lovitz as Dr. Rudolph, and Parker Posey and Joey Lauren Adams as Connie's friends Stephanie and Christina
Coneheads is a miracle. A miracle. It's hard to explain why. It just is. It was made so I could see it. I was born in this time period so I could experience Coneheads. If for no other reason, I'm here for Coneheads. Everything has been about Coneheads. It makes sense, even if you can't explain why. Like an absurd dream you awake from, feeling deeply moved by it, yet the dream made absolutely ZERO sense. If anyone wants to know what I am, deep down, at the very core of my being -- if you want to know what really makes me tick -- I direct you to the 1993 box office bomb, Coneheads. It is the nucleus of Sexy Celebrity. The brain within the brain. I don't know why, and I'm sorry it's taken me a long time to inform you of this, but I know this is official because I am writing it. It's like a schizophrenic delusion -- this feels like crazy rambling, but I'm guaranteed it's correct. Correct!
I'm familiar with the movie, yet, I hadn't really watched it in a few years, so I wasn't 100% familiar. I knew what happens, but, not vividly. Nothing was vague, but I don't know the film by heart. I should change that. I cannot be sure if I saw this film when it was released in theaters in 1993... I want to say I DIDN'T... but I'm not sure. I know I saw it a bunch of times in the '90s. I think I even used to have Coneheads collectors cups... which you got at Subway (Subway is featured in the movie). Cups you drink out of -- not, like, jockstrap cups or bra cups. Unless, of course, you drink out of those (some people do).
So, I really don't care about Coneheads when they were on Saturday Night Live, the TV show. Actually, Saturday Night Live is basically awful. I'm not 100% sure if it always was in the past... but it's never spoke to me. I recently saw a Saturday Night Live sketch that was new and I could not believe how horrendous it was. Humor is so dead in our culture right now.
But anyway -- forget Saturday Night Live -- let's get to the Coneheads movie, 'cause I don't wanna spend forever on this review. What do I say about this movie? Let me just get this out of the way -- the cameos are insane. Practically every Seinfeld cast member except Jerry and Elaine (okay, so really there's only two actors from Seinfeld, but that's practically all of them). Tom Arnold. Chris Farley and David Spade (though they're not cameos). Lesbian Ellen DeGeneres. Drew Carey. Adam Sandler. Sinbad. On and on and on.
Oh... what do I say about this movie? I'm so embarrassed. I feel naked. It's about aliens. They have big pointy heads. For some reason, they fly to Earth and crash land and end up trapped here, kinda like the show ALF, but bigger and much more hairless (on their head, at least -- I'll explain Dan Aykroyd's body hair later.)
They have to adapt because a rescue ship isn't coming to pick them up until their unborn daughter becomes a rebellious teenager. Beldar (Dan Aykroyd) gets a job fixing things, but he doesn't have a Social Security Number, and Sinbad, his boss, really needs it. Sinbad is disappointed when Beldar, in his strange voice, informs him that he's an illegal alien. So Sinbad takes Dan Aykroyd to Adam Sandler and they get him and Prymatt (Jane Curtin) fake IDs. But Immigration (David Spade and Michael McKean) realize they're using fake identities, so they come after them, and the Coneheads go on the run.
Prymatt Conehead gives birth (when her water breaks, it's like a tsunami erupts from her alien vagina - everything's flooded), and we see a montage of Beldar and Prymatt with little Connie Conehead as she grows up while Paul Simon's "Kodachrome" plays on the soundtrack. Then Connie's a teenager and she's on the swim team -- lesbian coach played by Ellen DeGeneres (well, okay, maybe the coach isn't a lesbian, but she probably is). Connie falls in love with a fat guy (Chris Farley) and she eats his Subway sandwich really fast. He's crazy about her. Beldar becomes a driving instructor. Slutty Jan Hooks takes his class over and over again just to be around him. Prymatt buys every magazine in the supermarket and learns how to be sexier with her husband. Oh, and Beldar likes to golf.
It's just a really, really weird movie.... and I don't even think it's actually a very good movie... or even a non-stop hilarious one... yet... there's a lot of little things about it that I find funny and memorable. I couldn't believe how loud I actually laughed at seeing Beldar chewing and blowing a condom bubble out of his mouth -- he chews a condom, thinking it's bubblegum, while inside Sinbad's car, as Sinbad drives and gives a "I can't believe this sh*t" look when the condom bubble blows out of Dan Aykroyd's mouth.
And my favorite character has gotta be Prymatt (Jane Curtin). I CANNOT imagine this movie working without her. Even if you think it DOESN'T work, I KNOW it works on my level just because of her. Jane Curtin, that is. Her comedy is... I guess.... mostly physical, mostly verbal.... I don't know, but she's just perfect as the Conehead wife. Dan Aykroyd is good, but Jane Curtin is why there's a Coneheads movie at all. I don't think it would have worked without her. They are perfect as an alien couple. And I must say -- I've seen a bunch of Dan Aykroyd movies, and MOST of them, where he is the lead star, are absolutely dreadful. This may be dreadful to many... but I think Coneheads has gotta be his best work. Forget Ghostbusters. Coneheads is Dan Aykroyd's best movie.
....... I think that's all I have to say. I just felt like writing a little review about Coneheads to get the word out about the movie. I guess I could go on and on about all the little odd things I like about it. Prymatt screaming at an eggplant in a supermarket. The way she walks into her daughter's bedroom, coming to comfort her as she lays upset on a bed, and she thoughtfully tells her, "You know, Connie.... I READ IN A MAGAZINE that you can talk to me about ANYTHING......" I love Prymatt. I want to TRANSITION into Prymatt Conehead. (!) Yes. I want to turn into a Conehead. I wouldn't mind sleeping with Dan Aykroyd every night in a bed you have to stand up in. He has a very nice hairy chest.
Do check out Coneheads sometime. You won't regret it. And if you do... HA HA.
I'm gonna be BOLD and give it
Directed by Steve Barron
Released in 1993
Starring Dan Aykroyd as Beldar Conehead, Jane Curtin as Prymatt Conehead, Michelle Burke as Connie Conehead, Michael McKean as Gorman Seedling, David Spade as Eli Turnbull, Chris Farley as Ronnie, Jason Alexander as Larry Farber, Sinbad as Otto, Phil Hartman as Marlax, Jan Hooks as Gladys Johnson, Julia Sweeney as Principal, Ellen DeGeneres as Swim Coach, Michael Richards as Motel Clerk, Adam Sandler as Carmine, Drew Carey as Taxi Passenger, Tom Arnold as Golfer, Jon Lovitz as Dr. Rudolph, and Parker Posey and Joey Lauren Adams as Connie's friends Stephanie and Christina
Coneheads is a miracle. A miracle. It's hard to explain why. It just is. It was made so I could see it. I was born in this time period so I could experience Coneheads. If for no other reason, I'm here for Coneheads. Everything has been about Coneheads. It makes sense, even if you can't explain why. Like an absurd dream you awake from, feeling deeply moved by it, yet the dream made absolutely ZERO sense. If anyone wants to know what I am, deep down, at the very core of my being -- if you want to know what really makes me tick -- I direct you to the 1993 box office bomb, Coneheads. It is the nucleus of Sexy Celebrity. The brain within the brain. I don't know why, and I'm sorry it's taken me a long time to inform you of this, but I know this is official because I am writing it. It's like a schizophrenic delusion -- this feels like crazy rambling, but I'm guaranteed it's correct. Correct!
I'm familiar with the movie, yet, I hadn't really watched it in a few years, so I wasn't 100% familiar. I knew what happens, but, not vividly. Nothing was vague, but I don't know the film by heart. I should change that. I cannot be sure if I saw this film when it was released in theaters in 1993... I want to say I DIDN'T... but I'm not sure. I know I saw it a bunch of times in the '90s. I think I even used to have Coneheads collectors cups... which you got at Subway (Subway is featured in the movie). Cups you drink out of -- not, like, jockstrap cups or bra cups. Unless, of course, you drink out of those (some people do).
So, I really don't care about Coneheads when they were on Saturday Night Live, the TV show. Actually, Saturday Night Live is basically awful. I'm not 100% sure if it always was in the past... but it's never spoke to me. I recently saw a Saturday Night Live sketch that was new and I could not believe how horrendous it was. Humor is so dead in our culture right now.
But anyway -- forget Saturday Night Live -- let's get to the Coneheads movie, 'cause I don't wanna spend forever on this review. What do I say about this movie? Let me just get this out of the way -- the cameos are insane. Practically every Seinfeld cast member except Jerry and Elaine (okay, so really there's only two actors from Seinfeld, but that's practically all of them). Tom Arnold. Chris Farley and David Spade (though they're not cameos). Lesbian Ellen DeGeneres. Drew Carey. Adam Sandler. Sinbad. On and on and on.
Oh... what do I say about this movie? I'm so embarrassed. I feel naked. It's about aliens. They have big pointy heads. For some reason, they fly to Earth and crash land and end up trapped here, kinda like the show ALF, but bigger and much more hairless (on their head, at least -- I'll explain Dan Aykroyd's body hair later.)
They have to adapt because a rescue ship isn't coming to pick them up until their unborn daughter becomes a rebellious teenager. Beldar (Dan Aykroyd) gets a job fixing things, but he doesn't have a Social Security Number, and Sinbad, his boss, really needs it. Sinbad is disappointed when Beldar, in his strange voice, informs him that he's an illegal alien. So Sinbad takes Dan Aykroyd to Adam Sandler and they get him and Prymatt (Jane Curtin) fake IDs. But Immigration (David Spade and Michael McKean) realize they're using fake identities, so they come after them, and the Coneheads go on the run.
Prymatt Conehead gives birth (when her water breaks, it's like a tsunami erupts from her alien vagina - everything's flooded), and we see a montage of Beldar and Prymatt with little Connie Conehead as she grows up while Paul Simon's "Kodachrome" plays on the soundtrack. Then Connie's a teenager and she's on the swim team -- lesbian coach played by Ellen DeGeneres (well, okay, maybe the coach isn't a lesbian, but she probably is). Connie falls in love with a fat guy (Chris Farley) and she eats his Subway sandwich really fast. He's crazy about her. Beldar becomes a driving instructor. Slutty Jan Hooks takes his class over and over again just to be around him. Prymatt buys every magazine in the supermarket and learns how to be sexier with her husband. Oh, and Beldar likes to golf.
It's just a really, really weird movie.... and I don't even think it's actually a very good movie... or even a non-stop hilarious one... yet... there's a lot of little things about it that I find funny and memorable. I couldn't believe how loud I actually laughed at seeing Beldar chewing and blowing a condom bubble out of his mouth -- he chews a condom, thinking it's bubblegum, while inside Sinbad's car, as Sinbad drives and gives a "I can't believe this sh*t" look when the condom bubble blows out of Dan Aykroyd's mouth.
And my favorite character has gotta be Prymatt (Jane Curtin). I CANNOT imagine this movie working without her. Even if you think it DOESN'T work, I KNOW it works on my level just because of her. Jane Curtin, that is. Her comedy is... I guess.... mostly physical, mostly verbal.... I don't know, but she's just perfect as the Conehead wife. Dan Aykroyd is good, but Jane Curtin is why there's a Coneheads movie at all. I don't think it would have worked without her. They are perfect as an alien couple. And I must say -- I've seen a bunch of Dan Aykroyd movies, and MOST of them, where he is the lead star, are absolutely dreadful. This may be dreadful to many... but I think Coneheads has gotta be his best work. Forget Ghostbusters. Coneheads is Dan Aykroyd's best movie.
....... I think that's all I have to say. I just felt like writing a little review about Coneheads to get the word out about the movie. I guess I could go on and on about all the little odd things I like about it. Prymatt screaming at an eggplant in a supermarket. The way she walks into her daughter's bedroom, coming to comfort her as she lays upset on a bed, and she thoughtfully tells her, "You know, Connie.... I READ IN A MAGAZINE that you can talk to me about ANYTHING......" I love Prymatt. I want to TRANSITION into Prymatt Conehead. (!) Yes. I want to turn into a Conehead. I wouldn't mind sleeping with Dan Aykroyd every night in a bed you have to stand up in. He has a very nice hairy chest.
Do check out Coneheads sometime. You won't regret it. And if you do... HA HA.
I'm gonna be BOLD and give it