Sexy Cineplexy: Reviews

The Muppets Take Manhattan
(directed by Frank Oz, 1984)




One of my favorite films is The Muppets Take Manhattan, a movie about the struggle to make your dreams come true. Kermit and Co. have just graduated from college and they're making big plans to put on a show on Broadway.

Alas, it isn't so easy, and they all seperate until Kermit can find the right producer... of course, they have to seperate while singing the most depressing song in history, Saying Goodbye.

But depression doesn't last very long, as there is a lot of madcap fun, including Joan Rivers going totally bonkers with Miss Piggy at a cosmetics counter, Miss Piggy STALKING Kermit instead of going off to do her own thing -- she has good reason to stalk, as Kermit's new close friend is female - a human one. She follows him everywhere, including to the park where she has her purse stolen and she has to persue the thief on rollerskates!


Miss Piggy will get her frog and her purse back!

There are lots of celebrity cameos - Joan Rivers, Liza Minelli, Dabney Coleman, John Landis, Brooke Shields, Elliott Gould, etc.

The Muppets even take the soap opera route and give Kermit a bout of amnesia at one point and he becomes Phil, an advertising executive working on Ocean Breeze Soap.

This is also the film where Kermit actually marries Miss Piggy -- although, when are they ever considered husband and wife again after this film? If they're still married, I have no doubt that they love each other, and it's probably not an open marriage because Miss Piggy hasn't gone to jail yet, but they seem borderline seperated sometimes!

Perhaps I'm just confused because there hasn't been enough Muppet movies where the Muppets actually play themselves. I'm not really a fan of Muppet movies where they play different characters - thus my lack of interest in films like The Muppet Christmas Carol, Muppet Treasure Island, and Muppets Wizard of Oz.

Although, I did like The Great Muppet Caper, but it's been a long time since I've seen it and I don't remember it vividly.

I like the Muppets playing who they are - and that's why The Muppets Take Manhattan is my favorite.

Miss Piggy is just absolutely hysterical - that's another reason. My favorite Muppets are her and Animal. I've always been a Muppet fan. I used to wear these shoelace protector things on my shoes that looked like faces of Muppet characters back in elementary school -- people still remembered me wearing those up until high school.

That was probably a clue to the other boys that I wasn't quite like them -- that and the fact that when my 3rd grade class went out one day to play football, I hung out with the few girls who didn't wanna play and we cheerleaded.

Doubt
(directed by John Patrick Stanley, 2008)



Meryl Streep goes bitch goddess in the role of a strict, rules obsessed nun they call Sister Aloycious in Doubt, a movie I liked very much. A mysterious movie with mysterious people -- Philip Seymour Hoffman, as Father Flynn, who is accused of fooling around with the new 12 year old African American boy student -- this film is set in the 60's and he is the only black kid in the school. Is Father Flynn really doing naughty things with the boy, or is he just protecting him from the other closed minded students?

What's the story with Sister Aloycious? Why is she so certain of herself? There's not really a lot of evidence to point that Father Flynn did anything wrong... or did he?

I have my own beliefs, which I won't share here because I don't wanna spoil anything for you.

All around terrific acting here. I think this is one of the best roles Meryl Streep has performed. But then again there's just something about a bossy nun... not that I'm one of those people turned on by nuns, but those poor things! Married to God, remaining celibate... I guess it just makes one really snappy and prudish. Interestingly, Sister Aloycious was once married, we find out later in the film.

Pacing is superb. I can't stand a movie that takes forever to get started. I also tried to watch The Wrestler, but I couldn't get into it, thus no review.

Oh yeah, I also love it when Noxeema's friend - Alice Drummond, who plays Sister Veronica - appears. I call her Noxeema's friend because she was in To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar as a strange old lady who befriended Noxeema Jackson (Wesley Snipes). Anytime she appears in a movie, I say, "There's Noxeema's friend again! HA!" Noxeema's friend is funny in Doubt as a nun who's going blind.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine
(directed by Gavin Hood - Robin Hood's son, 2009)



Above is what I wanna see when I take a bath.

Surely, X-Men Origins: Wolverine will be taking home my Sex It Up! award for 2009. Not only does Hugh Jackman run around butt ass naked for a few scenes (although, at a distance, and frustrating!) you also see him in all of his hairy maleness quite a lot -- well, the film is all about him -- and then they also put in LIEV SCHREIBER! -- and, and, and, and, and....

Ryan Reynolds!


(just pretend the women aren't there)

Ohhh, if this movie was a person, it better have a rape whistle 'cause I'd be on it like whipped cream on a banana split.

Unfortunately, I think it does have a rape whistle cause I hear something blowing -- the story!!

Beginning with Wolverine as a child, we witness the shocking (?) event that began everything. He and his mutant brother (Liev Schreiber) run away and make appearances in every war (they're immortal, don't ya know). Eventually, they join forces with the government for special projects, but Wolverine breaks off and goes to live a life alone with his Native American girlfriend (she gives him his name, Wolverine, through a story). An angry Liev Schreiber comes back and gets revenge and then we see Wolverine on a quest for blood.

Oh, and he evolves thanks to some scientist who puts him in the sexy bathtub. Oh, and the scientist goes a little science happy and tries to make new and improved mutants that follow his commands.

There's lot of fighting, lots of cool action scenes, but the one death scene that I wanted to witness did not occur ---

When Wolverine, naked after his becoming an evolved mutant in the sexy bathtub, runs into a barn to hide, an old lady spots him, and her old farmer husband who lives there goes to check it out, rifle in hand. Discovering naked Wolverine crouched down and breathing heavily, the old farmer hands him something to wear.

"Don't want the old lady to see ya and have a heart attack," the old farmer tells the muscular, sexy Wolverine.

I was like... Die, Old Bitch.

For God Sakes! Send him out there to prance around naked in front of her, let it flop around in her face, let him wiggle and shake his hard, beefy buttocks before her --- give that old lady a heart attack! She'll at least die happy... and then the old farmer could go gay have Wolverine to himself! That would have been my plan.

But, nooooooo -- Wolverine had to put on some clothes. The old lady didn't see anymore of him.



So, yeah... more fighting, a twist ending of sorts, no more nudity.

Surfer, Dude
(Directed by S.R. Bindler, 2008)


Surfer, Dude is a yawnfestation starring Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson as pot smoking surfer dudes who are battling against the evils of a reality TV producer who wants them to live in his reality TV show house with other surfer dudes -- the price is that Matthew (as Steve Addington) will lose his authentic coolness and will have to be involved in a lot of fake dramatic fights.

Now for our Men On Films segment: The always good looking Matthew does meditate in the nude and you see his bare buttocks as he's sitting (well, actually, you just see the top of his crack then, but it's very erotic and crotch heat enducing). He gets up and IT LOOKS LIKE YOU SEE HIS BIG, FLOPPY PENIS JANGLING -- but it may have been covered up by some kind of cloth to hide the penis. You do, however, see more buttocks, but boy runs fast and it's frustrating.

Why can't these hot guys run slow?! Where are the mega hot track & field rejects? I need guys that move like Night of the Living Dead zombies -- not Return of the Living Dead zombies (ya know, when they ran fast).
Hugh Jackman did the same thing in Wolverine -- he ran very fast. Cut the Road Runner crap, men!

Anyway...

Somehow I managed to sit through all of this movie.

Do you wanna know what the major crisis going on in this movie is? Matthew McConaughey's money has been cut off thanks to the evil reality TV producer and he can't get off this island -- the island sucks because there are NO WAVES FOR HIM TO SURF ON.

He has plenty of ganja to get high off of, but he's "fasting" and won't do it -- in hopes of bringing the waves. Weeks go by -- no waves. He suffers instead of surfs. We actually see a day counter on the corner of the screen -- "Day 12", "Day 27", "Day 41" -- still no waves. Matthew continues to mope around in agony. So do we.

Great reviews Sexy, Thanks

__________________
Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship.
Buddha

That picture tells me both things I need to know about that film.

1. I won't like it.
2. I won't see it.

Star Trek
(directed by J. J. Abrams, 2009)


I don't know how to begin this movie review, but I figured that since everyone else on Movie Forums was talking about it, I might as well voice my own opinion.

For starters, you should know that I was on a date when I saw Star Trek, and I must say I had the perfect companion -- a fan of the series and the previous movies, who understood inside jokes that I didn't get. Now, I don't want to say much about my companion here because I don't know him very well yet, but...



Man!

In close proximity.

Needless to say, it was a little hard to concentrate fully on this boring film when I had a man sitting next to me. A man I was on a date with. A man I found charming.

But onto the review...

So, Star Trek begins chaotically with a battle, a baby being born and more drama.

The villian, played by Eric Bana, is watered down Kool Aid -- please! -- he's every guy you see on TV and walking down the street nowadays. Some guy trying to find masculinity by having his face tattooed.

SCARY!

This is the whole problem with the new Star Trek for me -- it is too modern, too youth oriented, too Jonas Brothers. Too gay.

They made a gay Star Trek movie. Seriously. Chris Pine (Kirk) and Zachary Quinto (Spock) are gay boys in Star Trek drag. I have thought this ever since I first saw pictures of them in the film and it was confirmed while I watched the movie.

I am not a fan of the TV series or any of the previous films, but there was something wrong with this movie. I dunno -- it didn't feel authentic.

But I was wowed by Leonard Nimoy when he appeared as Old Spock... except when he gave his little hand salute and said, "Good Luck". OH, OLD SPOCK, YOU ARE SO HIP WITH YOUR EASYGOING WORDS!

Now I hate to be a bitch and I'm so sorry that I couldn't take in as much enjoyment as my date did, but...

Winona Ryder

as Spock's mommy... was the best. I mean, can't you just imagine Winona leaving the Star Trek set for the day, with Spock's pointy prosthetic ears hidden in her purse? Maybe she flew back to her L.A. home, or wherever she lives, in the Starship Enterprise and cops had to chase her down.

Besides all of this, I really did enjoy Leonard Nimoy's performance, as well as the whole message of the film about becoming more human and being more free with your emotions, which is what Spock needs to do. Spock, in general, is just an awesome character, and I even liked Zachary Quinto's performance... but it was just all so gay. And I'm not trying to be mean because by now you should all know that I'm gay myself... I just... I dunno... why do we have to update everything nowadays with pretty boys? I want some rough, tough yet down to earth men, like Leonard Nimoy. People whose sexuality I don't question. I know this might be wrong to say, but...

that's how I feel!

Oh, and a nice surprise to see Simon Pegg in the film as well.

But I have had it with remakes. I've had it with directors who aren't fans of the original material (J.J. Abrams admitted he wasn't into the franchise). I'm sick of previous movie franchises being discarded in order for "re-imaginings".

It's happened with Star Trek, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Halloween, Friday the 13th... what am I forgetting?

Enough.

Do something unique... and may be the force and sexiness be with you.

I didn't have a date when i went I went alone I loved it but then i am a Star Trek tragic

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
(directed by David Fincher, 2008)



Alright, before I begin talking about Brad Pitt, I guess I should say something about the film.

What a fairy tale. What a marvelous movie about love and aging. But it's a little long and a little slow... I found myself having to get up a lot to do things. It could have been a little more dramatic.

Who cared that he was fooling around with Tilda Swinton? Sad, since he was supposed to be with Cate Blanchett, but I think her character was just getting her first period and Brad Pitt was just starting to go off Viagra, so I can see why it wouldn't work yet. I personally would still need Viagra to do Tilda Swinton, even though she does looka-like-a man.

My biggest complaint is... WHY AREN'T PEOPLE MORE WEIRDED OUT BY WHAT'S HAPPENING TO HIM?!?!

Take something that happens near the end:



You've got this alien being who starts off old and grows to be a young child.

His life is as sweet as apple pie!

Meanwhile, someone like me comes into the world - he doesn't care for sports, he hangs up posters of Mark-Paul Gosselaar on his wall, he yearns to see every hot guy with an incredible ass in a jockstrap, he doesn't wanna marry a woman...

Let's see... I've been punched, ridiculed, feared what friends, family and co-workers would say for years; I've been told that I needed to be a drag queen, told that I needed to be a straight acting macho gym going athlete, became very confused, told that I needed to sleep with a new man every night, told that I needed to settle down and have a husband and act like straight people; other people like me think I'm the Anti-Christ, I've been told to treat Ellen DeGeneres like some sort of God, been told to march in parades and only read gay magazines and watch gay movies and gay TV shows, etc. etc.

Why is Benjamin Button's life so EASY for him to live?!



For example, NOBODY even tries to force anti-aging skin cream on Benjamin Button when he's old!

Maybe it hadn't been invented yet, but I'm sure there must have been something!

For a freak, Benjamin Button lives a fantastic life.

And I think it's a fantastic movie... and Brad Pitt certainly looks yummy in his younger/older years... how disappointing that the only time Brad Pitt shows his rear end is when he's in that old body... CAN'T WE AT LEAST GET A FEW MORE REAL REAR END SHOTS BEFORE BRAD ACTUALLY GETS OLD?!

I mean, there's really nothing out there except for those classic nude Brad Pitt pictures while he was vacationing with Gweneth Paltrow and his mooning scene in 12 Monkeys, which also included a terrific shot of a soapy bare ass naked Bruce Willis in the shower. Love that movie.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button is recommended by me, but bring a blanket, a cross stitch pattern, Mad Libs and, if you have one, your own Brad Pitt blow up doll for company.

I love how you manage to point out plot holes in the movie and still make your review hilarious!

__________________
The Freedom Roads

That first part answers the second.

Thanks Sexy you are so Funny

Rambo
First Blood Part II
(directed by George P. Cosmatos, 1985)



This is the Rambo movie to see.

Although, since I still haven't seen Rambo III, I can't tell you that with certainty... but I've heard it's not that great... but I LOVE Rambo: First Blood part II!

Be sure to watch it on a big high definition television, like I did, or you might experience something less than grand.

Basically, John Rambo (Sylvester Stallone) is taken out of prison by his old buddy Colonel Trautman for a top secret operation to take pictures of POW's still Vietnam. But Rambo's occupation isn't photographer ~ he's gonna do everything he can to rescue those POW's and bring them back to safety ~ and I mean EVERYTHING.

Along the way he gets some help from pretty Vietnamese freedom fighter, Co Bao (Julia Nickson-Soul, what a lovely sounding name, much better than Co Bao).



Death, death and more death. Get on Rambo's bad side and you will most likely die. Best to be female, naked and ready to give Rambo a back massage (I can be two out of three).

Rambo: First Blood part II was scripted by Sylvester Stallone and, surprisingly, James Cameron (Aliens, Terminator 2, Titanic), which is why I think the movie is so good.

Fuel up your testosterone, cook some steak and potatoes, break out the beer, rip your shirt off, play with some knives and watch Rambo: First Blood part II. You will never regret it!

Tango & Cash
[an exclusive Blu-ray review]
(directed by Andrei Konchalovsky, 1989)



Tango & Cash on Blu-ray has everything you need to get your movie gears goin'. It's like a fresh pot of hot coffee.

Not only does it feature an anamorphic transfer, crisp and sharp for your Blu eyes, you can also enjoy all of that crispness by staring lovingly at Sylvester Stallone and Kurt Russell's bare buttocks as they sashay and cascade down to a prison shower scene. Sylvester's is especially adoring, as he has full, ripe Italian buttocks and he also wears a manly man necklace to accentuate his already well developed masculinity. Not even Michael Jackson could get that closer to heaven than you by watching this scene.

Butt anyways, have I mentioned that the film is halfway entertaining, but it's not a full meal, unless you count Sylvester's butt? In this film, two badass, tough cookie, smart and savvy cops are framed for murder and put in jail so that they can be murdered in prison by the inmates they alraedy put there. It's all part of some elaborate scheme that some bad guys - I think they're drug dealers - are up to.

Will Tango & Cash get out and put the real criminals to justice?

Oh, you just know that they will. This isn't some complicated, original cop drama -- this is a Sylvester Stallone and Kurt Russell film! This is a buddy movie, for Christ's sakes!

And what's a buddy movie without Kurt Russell in drag?



Yes, honey, that is Kurt Russell himself in lady gear. Sorry that it's such a crappy picture - blame the idgit who uploaded it on the net.

Tango & Cash is old, but it's funny -- there are lots of jokes about either one of them turning gay for the other, which is nice if you like that kind of gasoline to fuel your fantasies.

If you must watch Tango & Cash, please get the Blu-ray disc. Now, it is not the best Blu-ray movie out there, but it's the best version you're gonna get of Tango & Cash.

By the way, Sylvester Stallone is Tango and Kurt Russell is Cash. That's Ray Tango and Gabriel Cash. That's very good threesome material, don't ya know?

Anyway....

Thanks Sexy one of my guilty pleasures

Jonas Brothers
The 3D Concert Experience
(directed by Bruce Hendricks, 2009)

[Blu-ray review]



When you find Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience on sale for $12.00 instead of $30, you buy it. You then find yourself on your couch with the 3D glasses on and you watch the movie.

I did not jump up, clap my hands, scream like a girl, and go bananas for Kevin, Joe and Nick. But you might.

Kevin, Joe and Nick Jonas are three brothers in a teenybopper pop music group. They're very famous and young girls everywhere want to marry them and have their babies. So do some young gay boys. I particularly do not like any of their music.

Am I gaga over the way the Jonas brothers look? Well, Nick is too young for me, but Kevin and Joe are nice looking, Joe more so. He's about to turn 20. I'm only 5 years older than that... well, 6, if you count that I'm turning 26 in November. Oh god. The Jonas Brothers make me feel old!

Personally, I can't believe millions of girls everywhere go crazy for these boys, but what can you do?

I have no idea how to review this movie. I yawned a lot during it. I'm telling ya, their music isn't addicting to me. It's a nice movie, though -- really vivid in Blu-ray. The 3D is fun, but only so often do they throw something at the screen which makes for a cool 3D moment. At one point, the Jonas Brothers pick up these big hoses and shoot lots of white foam at the audience. I managed to not get any on me, but the girls in the audience weren't so lucky (or were they?)

It was sort of fun and had I been a Jonas Brothers fan, it would have been super exciting.

I'm not kidding about that white foam.

I really like horror films, but I don't like this film. As you said, it's boring (OK, you said "scenes drag" but I read "it's boring" and I prefer my version) and that dozy bitch runs around screaming for about 45 minutes. KILL HER FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! She drives me mad.

It does have a great final shot though, which is truly iconic.

As for the remake, I've had it sat on my shelf for about 5 years now... Still not watched it.

Yeah, admittedly it is rather crap when you think about it. But I still like it, and that review is just about as good a review you could give Chainsaw. Good work .

__________________
Iro's Top 100 Movies v3.0

Hellraiser
(directed by Clive Barker, 1987)

[Exclusive Blu-ray review]



God, I love this movie.

On Blu-ray, my love for Hellraiser only expanded, like the universe. It's funny how the opposite happened with the Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) Blu-ray.

The Hellraiser Blu-ray is one of the most gorgeous films I have seen on Blu-ray. I guess it was true what Pinhead, the creepy cenobite guy from the film said: "We have such sights to show you." It took 22 years for me to see Hellraiser like this: Blood so shimmering and red. Ooze and slime from a skinless man so wet looking, so in your face, so within reach.

Hellraiser is the bizarre tale of a family that is torn apart by lust and dark forces. A man and his quiet wife move into an old house that was, for awhile, being lived in by the man's brother, Frank. The quiet wife, Julia, has a terrible secret -- she made whoopy with Frank right before she married his brother! Frank seems to have disappeared, but he'll be back....

When he gets back, he's not quite himself -- he's a little skinless creature hiding out in the attic of the house. There's only one way for Frank to go out in public again: He needs to nourish himself with the vitamins and nutrients that only a living person can provide. This way, Frank can grow into a healthy, full grown human being again. Shockingly, Julia, who discovers him in the attic, is A-okay with luring men back to the house so she can hit them over the head with a hammer and let Frank feast. The sex she had with Frank when he was a normal, living guy was that good.

So, Hellraiser is basically the story of a woman who will go to great lengths to fix her sex toy. It could have been done different in a more PG way, with a woman who goes to CVS to buy batteries for her vibrator, but wicked minded Clive Barker envisioned something else, something darker, something unexpected.

Speaking of toys, there's a little puzzlebox in this movie -- a cube that you mess around with and when you touch it right it causes the gateway to hell to open, and these disgusting looking demons that wear leather and have pins and hooks going through their flesh appear and take you to hell. This thing sent Frank to hell. When he manages to escape, he's back in the attic again and that's when Julia starts work on her new household project.

A strange movie... very different from all of the other slasher, Freddy Krueger/Jason Voorhees type horror films that were so popular in the 1980's. Hellraiser has, so far, spawned 7 sequels and a remake has been in the planning stages for awhile. Many of the sequels suck. Only Hellbound: Hellraiser II has any real merit, as it's a direct sequel to Hellraiser that takes place only a few hours later.

I can't stop thinking about how marvelous this movie is. The Blu-ray transfer is really spectacular. Hellraiser is timeless. Roger Ebert hated it when it came out, but who cares? He can go sit on a puzzlebox.

Adam
(directed by Max Mayer, 2009)

[Exclusive DRUNK Review!]



Before going into this review, you should know that I am not actually drunk while writing this review. I was drunk watching the movie. That's my disclaimer. There is not really any false advertising. Onto the review....

Here we have a sweet little movie about a guy who has Asperger's Syndrome (Hugh Dancy as Adam), a form of autism that allows you to function better than an autistic person, yet you're still curiously odd, but at the same time, you can be pretty smart - a genius, in fact.

Anyway, the guy has a romance with his new neighbor, Beth (Rose Byrne). Meanwhile, I was having a romance with Captain Morgan.



Wow -- lemme tell ya -- that pirate knew how to steer my ship. It wasn't long before I had swallowed all of his hot, burning liquid...

And wound up drunk in the movie theatre!

See, I happened to sneak those little bottles of booze into the theatre by putting them in my pocket (stupid gender roles won't allow me to own a purse, where carrying such things would be easier!) and anyway, I drank them all, and by the time I was done, the audience had stopped watching Adam and started watching Adrunk!

It was the most fantastic movie ever. I can't really remember what happened after about thirty minutes into it, but I remember really rooting for Adam to get laid. Every time they said something that put Adam closer in the direction of a bed, I smiled real big and gave a big thumbs up.

A few times, I think I verbally congratulated Adam.

Anyway...

They do have sex! BUT THERE WASN'T NUDITY. Thank God, though. If Adam had been running around completely naked, I might have possibly been so openly turned on that the only person I'd be giving this review to is Pee Wee Herman. Though, Hugh Dancy really isn't my type, so I doubt that there, but you can never be sure when you're drunk ~ right, guys?

At the end of the movie, I applauded. It was like a new Star Wars movie was rolling its end credits. I was the only person in the theatre applauding it.

I heard that Adam was bad by my friend who went with me (and stayed sober). He was disappointed.

I can't remember most of the movie. But I had a good time!

NO STARS (it wouldn't be fair to rate this movie).

CAPTAIN MORGAN --