Sexy Cineplexy: Reviews

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Welcome to the human race...
In regards to the purse comment - why not try a satchel? Or are you not allowed to take them into theatres wherever you are?
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I really just want you all angry and confused the whole time.
Iro's Top 100 Movies v3.0



Halloween II
(directed by Rob Zombie, 2009)



Believe it or not, Halloween II, the new film directed by Rob Zombie, is actually a mashup of the 1981 version of Halloween II, Rob Zombie's 2007 Halloween remake, and The Rocky Horror Picture Show... with just a drop of UHF (Weird Al Yankovic has a cameo).

The Rocky Horror stuff is my favorite part... but it doesn't last long.

Let me just warn you that a very large portion of this film is a dream sequence... and once the dreamer woke up in his or her bed, it not only pissed off me - it also pissed off a testosterone driven, muscle bound, uncaged man animal sitting behind me, who yelled an expletive at the movie screen.

So, if you're taking steroids, you might wanna avoid this film.

Halloween II does not take place at a hospital on the same night as the first movie, which is what happened in the 1981 Halloween II. This one takes place a year later on Halloween... yes, you may have seen some hospital scenes in the previews and you're now scratching your head. Let's just say I've given you a hint.

My main man, Micky Dolenz, from The Monkees, who had a cameo in the first Halloween remake as a gun store owner does not make an appearance again in this film. So, half a star off its final verdict for that.

I heartily recommend the review of this movie by TheUsualSuspect. Check out his review thread for that.

Sherri Moon Zombie... Sherri Moon Zombie is the wife of the director, Rob Zombie, and to date, I believe she's been in every single one of his movies, with a big part. Until they either divorce or she gets run over by an ice cream truck (my favorite of the two), I assume she'll continue to have main roles in all of his movies. There are tons of trashy porno movie sets needing to fill up roles to women who wanna be filled up, but Sherri Moon neglects them all. In Halloween II, she constantly pops up as a figment of Michael Myers' imagination ~ she plays his mother, who is now dead ~ and everytime she appears, she's accompanied by a white horse, as if Halloween is now some kind of Neverending Story (although it is a neverending series...) fantasy thing. It is not. This is not the first time that the Halloween series has been weird... Halloween 6, which was brutally re-directed and trashed, dealt with Michael being influenced by a cult and our very own stars in the sky.

But now, with Halloween II, the white horse stuff is probably the weirdest.

With any luck, though, Sherri Moon will leave the horror genre and take that white horse somewhere to make beastiality porn. (!)

Still, I do like some of the bizarre imagery Rob Zombie creates for the film... there's a skeleton that has Michael Myers head for a skull. That was pretty creepy and cool. There are also a few bizarre, trippy scenes here and there.

It has a confusing ending. I kinda like that, but at the same time, this whole movie was really just a mess, and there's nothing brilliant about it. However, with that said, it was at least a very unique take, and with it actually being the 10th film in the Halloween series, what more could you do?

At least it's not 2002's Halloween: Resurrection, the worst movie in the series, if not all time. Look at that title... Halloween: Resurrection. Forget knowing that by resurrection, they mean Michael Myers coming back to life. Isn't that the dumbest title ever? Wouldn't a horror film called Christmas: Resurrection be just... wrong?

Granted, Halloween II is not really a great title for this movie.

It should have been called Sherri: Resurrected!






World's Greatest Dad
(directed by Bobcat Goldthwait, 2009)



It's hard for me to review this movie. I think it's one of the best films I've seen in quite a long time, and yet it's not at all perfect. I don't want to give away a major plot point because I feel it's better if you don't know about it, as I didn't, yet every other reviewer seems to be mentioning it.

Basically, Robin Williams stars as a high school teacher who writes books on the side, books that aren't getting published, but he's trying. He has a teenage son named Kyle (Daryl Sabara) who is a huge pervert and masturbates chronically... and dangerously, as he's into autoerotic asphyxiation. That's where you actually hang yourself while masturbating, as if you're committing suicide. It's supposed to create a truly powerful orgasm, so they say. Don't PM me with questions on whether that's true or not ~ I have never done it. Nor will I ever. Nor should you! People have died doing it.

Anyway, so Kyle is a chronic, messed up little masturbator who gets his jollies through his obsessions with fecophilia (he's a poop lover), nasty old women, anal sex, and the list probably goes on and on. He loves to call his dad "retarded" and he's also mostly a loner, except for one friend, Andrew, who hangs around him constantly and is meek.

Later on, though, the film turns into a Heathers for the 2000's.

But, the ending is flat, despite a swimming pool scene with a completely nude Robin Williams.

The movie revolves around a secret that Robin Williams is keeping... kinda like Mrs. Doubtfire... though, Robin didn't end up nude in that. He could have, though. He could have.

I like it and I can't wait for the Blu-ray release... I hope there's gonna be a Blu-ray release, at least.

Order it now... OnDemand cable.




Originally Posted by Sexy Celebrity
Mekagu, whoever you are, I love that your first post was in my thread. But are you just spam?
Yes, he was. I'm stressing the "was" part.

That's funny. I didn't realize he was that far back in your thread. He sure did wait a long time to return.



Welcome to the human race...
I know you like to keep an eye out for guys achieving some degree of nudity and all...

...but Robin Williams? More to the point, 2009 Robin Williams?

Explain?



Bright light. Bright light. Uh oh.
I don't know what he's going to say, but Robin Williams is one hairy dude. Oh yeah, he's a dude too.
__________________
It's what you learn after you know it all that counts. - John Wooden
My IMDb page



Happy New Year from Philly!
Is it me, or is "Middle Aged And Hairy" a good title for an album?
Actually it describes my lover. No he is not Robin Williams hairy just has a bit of blond chest hair and he is only 37 but I am bored so I posted. As to your sneaking contraband into the theater problem, how about a backpack or a messenger bag.



And always remember, "It is desire that opens the box."
__________________
Louise Vale first woman to play Jane Eyre in the flickers.




The Wizard of Oz
(directed by Victor Fleming, 1939)



This year mark's the 70th anniversary of one of the most beloved classics of cinema, The Wizard of Oz. I have obtained the beautiful, restored Blu-ray version that will knock your dirty socks off. If you haven't yet seen The Wizard of Oz, you're either an unhip youngster or a knotty old cantankerous talking apple tree. Even if you've been in a coma for twenty years and are just now waking up, you have no excuse ~ you should have been dreaming about Oz in your deep, unconscious state.

A lively teenage girl named Dorothy ~ Paris Hilton for her time, gets into trouble thanks to her little dog, Toto ~ falls asleep on her bed during a tornado and dreams about going to a magical, colorful little place called Oz, which is inhabitated by the sexy farm hands she obviously fantasizes about, only she puts them in costumes -- a lion, a scarecrow and a tin man.

Dorothy's nemesis, a bitter, unsexed woman named Miss Gulch, who wants to kill Dorothy's dog, Toto, also appears in the dream as The Wicked Witch of the West. In the dream... oh, and I guess I should have put up a spoiler warning for all of you weirdos who haven't seen the film... the whole movie is a dream that Dorothy's having. You should be able to figure that out as she falls on her bed and goes to sleep before arriving at Oz. Anyway, in the dream, her house, which was picked up by a tornado, falls on top of The Wicked Witch of the West's sister (the Wicked Witch of the East!) and kills her.

Dorothy, now a murderess, becomes highly loved by a beautiful, good witch named Glenda and a bunch of little people called "munchkins". But that's not the end of this 1939 Paris Hilton's dance of mischief --- she even steals the Wicked Witch of the East's shoes! AFTER SHE DIES!!!

I mean, VULTURE!

All of this is egged on by the peer pressure of the pretty witch, Glenda, of course.

The Wicked Witch of the West gets pretty pissed, naturally, and spends the rest of the movie thinking up ways of getting the shoes she ought to have inherited back. Finally, when she gets so fed up because everyone helps the goody-two shoes thief, she resorts to wanting to kill Dorothy.

WARNING: "The Wizard of Oz" spoilers below
But ultimately, Dorothy ends up killing the Wicked Witch of the West - "accidentally" - and is rewarded with a free hot air balloon ride.


That's hot.






Bright light. Bright light. Uh oh.
You may not be able to totally relate to this Sexy, but growing up I was in love with Glenda and I may still be. The thing which most people cannot comprehend is that when The Wizard of Oz was filmed, Billie Burke, who played the Good Witch Glenda, was 54!




Where The Wild Things Are
(directed by Spike Jonze, 2009)



I never wanna be where the Wild Things are again!

Five minutes after their introduction in Where The Wild Things Are, I was ready to see where the Surrogates were, or where The Stepfather was. Maybe even see what kind of kinky shenanigans were going on wherever Whip It was.

I definitely don't wanna hang around those Wild Things again, though. They were a bunch of big, dirty, probably very smelly hippies that like to sleep on top of each other. The little boy in the film, Max, just laughs as he's being squished by these sleepy, smelly, overweight fiends. I was horrified. I would have been SCREAMING to get out of there! I've been in a similar situation before and I plan on never doing it again.

The movie starts off pretty intriguing and I was hopeful. A little boy named Max seems to be a loner who likes to pretend that he's living in his own little fantasy worlds. He's got a lot of energy and he's desperate for attention. A small fight ensues between Max and his mother (Catherine Keener, who still isn't a pretty lady, in my opinion) and Max flees from his house and runs away, thus ruining our chances of seeing Catherine Keener's cute, geeky boyfriend again, who probably showers and smells good.

I loved the book that this movie is based on when I was a child, but I had completely forgotten what it was about. I was expecting some untamed, wild, beastly creatures to pop out and maybe growl and scare Max for awhile.

What popped out at Max appeared to be a bunch of Starbucks junkies who have issues and have fled to the woods to try a soothing, spiritual, hippie lifestyle. They say things like, "It's complicated." They are very emotional. They cry. They snuggle. They feel guilty.

I was bored. I sat. I sighed. I wished. I stop paying serious attention to the movie.

At one point, I thought a very violent scene was about to take place when one of the Things threw a rock in the sky and hit a couple of owl-like birds. YAHOO! Murder! Turns out the rock throwing was just a playful act. The Thing knew the birds and did that to them all the time. They didn't die. Ha ha ha! The birds even had names... one was Bob, that's all I can remember.

I know this is supposed to be a kid's movie, but come on ~ are kids really that sensitive? This would have bored me to death even if I had been seven years old. I'm also not one to need clingy, co-dependent cry babies in my life in order to feel complete.

It's definitely not for everybody. I think the film fails miserably. It is one of those movies that I intend on never seeing again.

Unless I'm blind and deaf, like Helen Keller, and have no idea what I'm watching by touching the TV screen.

If the Wild Things have Twitter, I'm not interested in following them. I don't care where they are or what they're doing, as long as they stay the hell away from my Jake Gyllenhaal. But if you're following them, do warn me if they're close by.




I am burdened with glorious purpose
OMG, I can't believe I've never read this thread before! What an entertaining thread. Great reviews!

Did you really put spoiler tags on The Wizard of Oz?

I want to see Where the Wild Things Are anyway, but I wonder if I'll hate it as much as you did.



I am burdened with glorious purpose
Sexy, your reviews are hysterical. I just read one of them out loud to my son. We were laughing so hard...

EDITED TO ADD: Sexy, you reviewed Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Did you see Half Blood Prince? What did you think?



I am burdened with glorious purpose
Thanks. I was surprised how much I liked it and I thought the book would be hard to interpret. That was my favorite along with Prisoner of Azkaban. I do love your reviews even if I often disagree with you.

I did agree with you though when you wanted to see Daniel Craig naked.

I think my favorite review was when you got drunk.



Bright light. Bright light. Uh oh.
I guess somebody wanted to take a dump in Sexy's garden. My wife and I saw it today and I give it
, but I've never given anyone neg rep for an opinion, especially a sexy one. (Wow, three tenses in one sentence .)