i have a renowned sweet tooth but am fabulously lazy in the kitchen unless i'm trying to show off. i also try to make my desserts as healthy as i can cuz, well ... i have a weakness. thus, i introduce to you
THE SIMPLEST, YUMMIEST DESSERTS EVER!*
THE key lime pie. Yes, THE.
(ok, not the one in the florida keyes, which i've had, and they're of course, the standard ... but even they aren't quite what i'm after here)
We're going for the perfect blend of creamy tart without being gelatinous, fibrous, crystallized, or puddingy. Yes. The impossible is possible. Make your own. Ditch Marie Callendar's.
- 1 can, sweetened condensed milk (fat free!)
- 1 pre-made graham cracker crust**
- 1 16 oz container of fat free cool whip (won't use it all - if you can find 12 oz use that). if frozen, refrigerate. you'll need this cold, not room temp.
- 1 6 oz can of limeade. If you can't find one, get the large size and cut the goodness in half. DO NOT THAW (or you'll get more liquidy pie, but if you like that, then nevermind).
- 1 stick of room temp fat free cream cheese
DIRECTIONS:
- MIX the following - and remember to keep it all as cold as possible. Condensed milk (room temp), limeade (frozen), and cream cheese (room temp). Do as much as you can take with your trusty fork. Do not use a blender (it is pointless). If you use a mixer, go slow and be very careful to avoid over mixing or you will liquefy your filling. I tend to do this part by hand and just chalk it up to exercise.
GOAL: No chunks, but firm, fork-fighting goodness.
- MIX in whipped cream last and don't overdo it. My old instructions on this used to tell me to dump it all together before putting it into the crust but you run the risk of liquefying more quickly. Also, if you do anything more than fold, you damage the firmosity. Also, if you use too much whipped cream you smother the cream cheese and the cream cheese firmosity dies. So watch it and stick close to 12 oz or less.
GOAL: You want goopy stuff like banana cream pie filling, but yay, there's no gelatin. It should glop out of the bowl, not pour.
- GLOP it all into the pie crust. A spatula works best for this, and helps you whip the filling around into a presentable shape.
- SCATTER with lime zest (optional - makes you look like you did more work)
- REFRIGERATE til firm. Put the top on, stick in back of fridge for a minimum of 4 hours. The longer you wait, the better it gets (and the firmer - overnight is best). If you get impatient, you will have to scrape it up more like a cream pie but the taste is the same as if it's firm.
SERVES 5-6. Keeps up to 2 days, and then you get soggy crust (but it's still edible
.
ENJOY!
You will seriously roll your eyes into your head it's so intense. You will bring it to parties because it's so easy. Your friends will eat it and leave you with none. The limeade hasn't been watered down, see. And the cream cheese velvet on your tongue is gah good.
The limeade and cream cheese fight the sweetness of the condensed milk and cool whip. For firmer filling, use less liquid (eg, the limeade or the condensed milk) but be aware you're also altering flavor when you do it. For a smoother, more subtle tang cream flavor, focus on the cream cheese. It is the core here. The glorious core.
** go keebler! you can do regular, or try to find reduced fat. i usually never find these, because safeway doesn't have faith in people making pies being health conscious. anyway, i was in a pinch once and got creative. handmade this with that healthy butter substitute stuff (melted) and low fat graham crackers (smashed to smithereens). it can be fun to mush up. get the tin pan at the grocery store to hold it in form, refrigerate this for a couple hours with some saran wrap and something like a bag of flour holding it down. be sure to pack it down tight into the tin so it doesn't get crumbly-wet later.
...
Cheap@ss, lazy@ss, low fat, low sugar strawberry shortcake.
- 1 can of fat free sprayable whipped cream (looks prettier later and you can top off things; if you're lazy, get a tub)
- 1 box of Entenmann's (or anyone else's) nonfat, buttery rich tasting plain pound cake. i've seen this frozen in some stores - make sure it's room temp before you use it.
- fresh strawberries, marinated. (you can buy pre-sweetened, in which case you can skip a step, but you are risking your insulin here!).
strawberry prep:
use live, unthawed beauties. slice off their bowlcuts, sliver them up, dump them in a tupperware container, splash them sparingly with some cold tap water, sprinkle them lightly with a hint of lemon juice, then douse them liberally with heaping spoonfuls of splenda until you're satisfied. snap them closed in their container, chuck them in the refrigerator and check on them after a day. they're best with at least a day's prep. i advise you taste them (for tartness/sweetness) and modify their syrup accordingly.
If you can't find fresh strawberries and want to go the healthy route, try and find them sliced and UNsweetened in the freezer section. If you can only find them UNsweetened and whole, chuck them in the microwave and a) slice them as best you can or b) don't bother and follow the strawberry prep above.
DIRECTIONS
The ingredients are really it. You can make little Napoleonic piles out of whole pound cake slices with mountains of whipped cream and strawberries exploding in layers in between. You can make smiley faces with your whipped cream. You can make Elvis hairdos and then crash them with dribbling strawberry guts.
SERVES - Depends on how you serve it, how much you made, and how greedy people are. This is a perfect "i need dessert right now, by myself" dessert if you've got the strawberries incubating.
NOTE: For presentation, and to control servings, I like to: take one medium slice of pound cake, slice it in half. Turn the pieces kitty-corner to one another, maybe have one lean drunkenly up on the other's corner. Drench each in the strawberry syrup. Gently spoon strawberry happiness onto each slice. Attack with whipped cream, making little tufts all over the plate. And one big fat mound in between the loving arms of each slice.
If you're feeling really creative, sprinkle Ghirardelli pure cocoa powder very sparingly across the top and drizzle your artwork with nut bits (this tastes more like a sundae).
GOAL: Devour slowly, and gratefully. Run off at other's attempts to steal your strawberries.
...
and FINALLY!
Good ol' candied yams.
Ah, I made these at Thanksgiving. My recently passed stepdad taught it to me when I was a kid. It's simple, it's basic, and it's all-American. Right out of a can!
- 1 glass or porcelain baking dish (8x8 will do). a casserole dish is fine. as long as whatever you end up using is shallow.
- 1 can pre-seasoned candied yams, do not drain syrup. Yes, this is some of the work for you. SO? if you're scared of what's in the can, then don't get this, and get double of ...
- 1 can unseasoned, cut yams in syrup. Drain syrup, we don't need that crap. Unless you are not using the seasoned yams, in which case you do. In the end, use only ONE can's worth of syrup, no matter which kind you use.
- one bag of jumbo marshmallows (told you this was all-American!) do you realize there is only ONE COMPANY out there who puts these on shelves? they have a monopoly, man.
- brown sugar (don't use if trying to be insulin-friendly, you can substitute sugar free maple syrup here, but be careful as they make this stuff OVERsweet)
- cinnamon (optional)
- vanilla (optional). the gourmet thick syrup stuff is best. if you don't have that, don't bother with seeds, just sprinkle some extract.
- salt
- fat free cooking spray (if you have it, no big deal if not)
- butter, or margarine (whichever floats your boat)
- lemon juice (optional, for those who like to mellow their sweet)
DIRECTIONS
- Preheat oven to like, 350 F for at least 10 min. In case you haven't noticed, I'm not a stickler on measuring and food science. Get it hot enough to get the crap ready to eat, toast your marshmallows, and not turn them into goo. (Once, I overcooked them, the marshmallows were swallowed up by the yams, and it ended up tasting hecka good anyway, better than pecan pie, all gooey and chewy requiring vats of milk to compensate. So honestly, it's up to you.)
- Set your trusty cookware dish on top of the stove. Spray it lightly with PAM, etc. If you don't have it, don't worry. It's just to help you clean the dish out later.
- Into this trusty dish, DUMP your cans of yams. Remember, no syrup from the unseasoned yam can. Otherwise, you'll be toothless by the end of the dessert.
- SPRINKLE lemon juice. This is where you apply this if you want it. all liquids in with the yams. Everything else on top.
- DRIBBLE vanilla lightly across yams. If your syrup is thick, do tiny dribbles.
- STIR your yams gently together. Gently, because you will bust them up and break their hearts if you're rough. The syrup used will serve to coat and hydrate. And if you chose two different types, it's important to blend them evenly through the dish. Yes, the seasoned yams are dark, very cooked looking and fragile. But mingling them with the virginal yams balances everything out. Don't be scared.
- SEED your field with brown sugar. I say this because you are not sprinkling, but you are not scooping or spooning. You need at least three heaving literally-at-the-table-spoons of brown sugar. Scatter it like chicken feed, and don't worry if it's not even everywhere, just make sure you've hit the major lumps. (The can syrup is backup for what you miss). If you are not using brown sugar, squeeze your sugar free maple syrup in liberal crazy diagrams and remember it's supersweet (so calm down, friend).
- SPRINKLE the chef's "dash" of salt. Clearly it's not a mere dash but a rubbing of fingers that tosses it lightly across the whole thing. It is more than a teaspoon, that's all I can tell ya.
- SPRINKLE cinnamon. Remember you've already got flavoring to some extent, you're just making up for the virginal yams, so don't overdo it. If you want to get creative or use up your spices, cloves are an option. So's nutmeg.
- DROP globs of butter or margarine evenly across the face of your dish o' fun. This is honestly up to you. If you want it more creamy and cholesterol raising, more butter. If you're scared of that, use less or none, or use butter-flavored sugar free maple syrup. I tend to use smallish globs all across cuz I want it in all the nooks and crannies.
- CROWNING GLORY: The Marshmallows of Time. You want an even coating of these. Make allowances for how they spread out a little, so no need to pack them in. Don't actually have them touch the sides of the trusty dish.
- BAKE topless. You pervert! I mean the trusty dish should be topless, no foil. This is to get a nice brown toasting on top. Now, I assume this is at least for 15 minutes. Keep an eye on it, ovens vary, blah blah. If you can, put it in the middle or a step up. If you get brave and stick it under the broiler, lower the temp. We want the yams to be hot and sticky, too.
GOAL: With girlscout toasty marshmallows oozing their guts delicately into the browning, sizzling, buttery, gooey sweet yams, you shall scoop this into bowls and watch people turn into pigs. They will forget their diets entirely. They will forget you entirely. They will scrape your trusty dish dry. If you PAM-ed it, this is easier on them, and thus, cleaning it is easier on you after they leave, in a drunken brown sugar haze.
SERVES ... well, depends on your strength of will. So nevermind that.
HOORAY!
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* short of anything sex, blender, or bare fruit related.
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You swiped that from Foodnetwork didn't you.
