I would say I'm mentally ill, sane and relatively functional all at the same time.
First I've been a drug addict for decades - that's got to put me in the mentally ill category right there (doesn't it? or do I have a "disease"?)
I'm not an alcoholic as I'm so far beyond alcohol that I only view it as an accoutrement to drugs (alcohol is like a nice hor devours, but by itself it satisfies my desire for an altered state, the way an hor devour might satisfy a ravenous hunger).
Next I've got my neurosis, minor compulsions (the funny thing with my rituals, compulsions and little idiosyncrasies is they always have very intricate and logical reasons behind them and when I explain them to people they're usually amazed - some even adopt the habits. I always say I never do anything with a really good reason - and it's true).
I have my minor social phobias, fetishes and things that make me eccentric. Ego problems are probably my worst area - low self-esteem, being unassertive and reclusive, hating crowds and feeling that dealing with various social conventions and complexities are not worth the potential "good time" that might be had in a successful pursuit of them. Always trying to make deals with God & the universe and then feeling let down when my sacrifice goes unrewarded, knowing I have a very high I.Q. while apparently facing the reality that I have no idea how to utilize it in any practical way (like toward finding a good job, having a career, building success, avoiding various problems in life).
So, does all this add up to me being mentally ill?
I don't think it's all or nothing. It's not like "Ok, if you have ONE more idiosyncrasy, then it's a problem"... I have my own, do things my own way, and as mentioned later, half the fun (and half the horror) is looking forward to something. I've been an addict of multiple things my entire adult life, only taking breaks by leaving the continent, but I usually found something.. Isn't that funny -- I can go to a country and find the dealers, but the cops can't? (another business...)
I'm prescribed 3mg of xanax every night, and again with the Norcos, it's having something to look forward to every couple hours, and then in between, ruining the "buzz" with candies, etc... I look at it as a survival thing, just like when I come here to talk about movies, one of a few things I'm passionate about. I think that's why I've never tried to hide anything or lie, because even movie tastes say something about a person, and when describing them, it's impossible NOT to show parts of me.. Lately though, I might have either become more content, or realizing this is the way life is, not necessarily what you're doing, but how you feel inside most of the time. I might not have typed this out if I didn't wake up at 4:30am (I ate the greasiest burger yesterday). In the last few years, I've discovered that being alone, staying at home, working at home, not spending any money (to save time), music, movies, comedy, and chat is the best it's gonna be from here on out.
18 years ago, I took ambien, and I believe Roseanne (lol)... I just felt I was floating, and would have urges to drink alcohol - I once broke a bottle of corkscrew wine on the driveway to drink at 3am.. I once had the greatest urge to go gambling, but I knew better somehow. After a month, I noticed if I didn't fall asleep within an hour, I'd be delirious all night, so I quit that. With xanax, I'm relaxed.. I have legitimate pain, and although going to doctors can be a pain (lol), I guess that amount of energy is little compared to the amount it gives me to function and to do daily things, cleaning up and taking care of things, as I live alone... I smoke pot all day long (those are my big 3, although I used to be very addicted to oxycontin, but they weren't around when I got back from Australia) and wouldn't trade the euphoria for anything, so no regrets.... When the moment is mundane, I throw some smoke on it, knowing I'll have a warm embrace, although the two combined take away from each other..... My doctor once prescribed me Tramadol, and it worked at first, but then I remember driving at not hallucinating, but pretty close, and threw them all in the toilet..... I think if a person can get the same results by eating well, exercising, etc., do THAT! I've heard from my doctor about possible changes to pain management, so keep that in mind (withdrawals), which can be scary at times, but it's out of my control, but I'd rather suffer and have my freedom from Johnny Law (first time I've used that term).
I've enjoyed reading you, because you don't come off as a xerox. I like original people. You know, I've noticed when a majority have these nuances, it's quite alright, but the majority is usually wrong a majority of the time, and I think each person knows themselves better than anyone else... I'm hedonistic, I avoid pain if I can, and try to get as much pleasure as I can to stay alive.
Reply to Topic
