The Joke Thread

Registered User

05-07-05

Originally Posted by lor83b

6. Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. All the DNA is the same.

__________________
Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship.
Buddha

lor83b

The End Has Come

05-07-05

A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding night, she tells each one to write back about their married life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to use newspaper advertisements as a 'code' to let the mother know how their love lives are going.

The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply: 'Maxwell House Coffee'. The mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell House advertisement, and it says, 'Satisfaction to the last drop...' So the mother is happy.

Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there was a message that read: 'Rothman's Mattresses'. So the mother looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says, 'Full size, king size'. And the mother is happy.

Then it comes to the third one's wedding. Mother is anxious. After four weeks came the message: 'British Airways'. And the mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she fainted. The ad reads:

'Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'

nebbit

Registered User

05-08-05

lor83b

The End Has Come

05-08-05

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone
through labor to make love again.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to
order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper
distance apart to keep you on edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't
appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful
even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children with older siblings.

OW: The first word spoken be children with older siblings.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies
wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman
pajamas.

TWO MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she
begins to make those grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

WEEKEND: When Dad gets to play golf while Mom catches up to the
laundry, cleans the house, runs errands, etc.

MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush,etc. which ironically makes Mom look
better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."

MAYBE: No.

MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned
into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.

"MOMMMMMMM!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.

MUSH: 1. What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food. 2. Main element of
Mom's favorite movies.

NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a
full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling
clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.

OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids,
assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats,
cars and animals.

OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company.

OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.

PANIC: What a mother goes thru when the darn wind-up swing stops.

PENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their
rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.

PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have
someone else to clean up after.

PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of
dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to
play in front of company.

PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never
find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic
container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a
football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.

QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the
first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.

RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm,
rendered ineffective because it's in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a
book bag or because the child refuses to wear "the geeky thing."

REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air conditioner for the kitchen.

ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a mom
who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.

SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching
offspring stumble through coarse reenactment of famous historic events.

SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.

SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and
snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold
and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.

SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric
which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.

TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to
understand her child's "special needs."

TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.

TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.

TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.

VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each
morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be "Just like
Daddy."

WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent
ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.

"WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME": Standard measurement of time between crime
and punishment.

XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note
in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.

ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before
kids refuse to eat it.

Broccolli: That other green sh** kids won't eat !

nebbit

Registered User

05-08-05

Originally Posted by lor83b

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone
through labor to make love again.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to
order dessert.

susan

energizer bunny

05-19-05

Don't Step On The Ducks
>
>
>Three women die together in an accident
>and go to heaven.
>
>When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
>So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
>Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
>St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
>The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
>The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
>She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
>
>
>St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
>The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
>The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

nebbit

Registered User

05-21-05

There is hope for me yet.

Fugitive

Registered User

05-30-05

Some Facts
(comments in parentheses are not mine)

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death!
(Creepy but I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping
the length of a football field.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-
handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

nebbit

Registered User

05-30-05

I really like this one old FoxyLoxy, i have emailed it to all my friends.

nebbit

Registered User

06-02-05

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!" and probably have a present for me.

As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember!" ...The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent... As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday!" And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!".

We went to lunch but we didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two Martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake --- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there - on the couch - naked!!

susan

energizer bunny

06-02-05

thanks for that one nebbs..i loved it

The Princess' Problem

Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter,
the princess.

But there was a problem.
Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;
metal,
wood,
stone,
anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her.
Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired.
What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians.
One wizard told the king,
"If your daughter touches one thing
that does not melt in her hands,
she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day,
he held a competition.
Any man that could bring his daughter an
object that would not melt would marry her
and inherit the king's wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first prince brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas,
once the princess touched it,
it melted.
The prince went away sadly.

...............................

The second prince brought diamonds.

He thought diamonds are the hardest substance
in the world and would not melt.
But alas,
once the princess touched them,
they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.

.........................................

The third prince approached.
He told the princess,
"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what
is in there."
The princess did as she was told,
though she turned red.

She felt something hard.
She held it in her hand.

And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed.
Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess
and they both lived happily ever after.

Question:

What was in the prince's pants?

M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking you pervert...!!!!

nebbit

Registered User

06-02-05

Originally Posted by susan

What were you thinking you pervert...!!!!

Ummmm Errrrrr.................................................. M&M's

susan

energizer bunny

06-09-05

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before
leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but
how
old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the very same question.

The girl replies, "I guess about 29."

The woman replies, "Nope I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this
burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I! am 50, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is
going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old
a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put
my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how
old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best
of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast.. He
gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay... How old am
I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says. "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
tell?'

The old man replies, "promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

7thson

AMC Ape

06-10-05

Originally Posted by nebbit

Lordy that soundslike something I would do

__________________
�The gladdest moment in human life, methinks, is a departure into unknown lands.� � Sir Richard Burton

birdygyrl

MovieForums Extra

06-12-05

THE YEAR 1905

Maybe this will boggle your mind, I know it did mine! The year is 1905 one hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes!

Here are some of the U.S. statistics for 1905:

The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.

Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.

There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California.

With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!

The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents an hour.

The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,

a dentist $2,500 per year,

a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and
a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home .

Ninety percent of all U.S. physicians had no college education.

Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."

Sugar cost four cents a pound.

Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason.

The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:

1. Pneumonia and influenza

2. Tuberculosis

3. Diarrhea

4. Heart disease

5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars.

Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30!!!

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.

There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

Two of 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write.

Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores.

According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." (Shocking!)

Eighteen percent of households in the U.S had at least one full-time servant or domestic.

There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.

__________________
Do not meddle in the affairs of Dragons.....for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

susan

energizer bunny

06-13-05

i can't believe that morphine heroin or marijuana were ever over the counter drugs..

great post birdy....

OG-