The Joke Thread

Book Titles

Yellow River......by.......I P Daly


Or as Frank Zappa once penned "Don't eat the yellow snow, that's where the huskie dogs go"

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Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship.
Buddha

My girlfriend just sent this to me and I had to share it with the girls....


Just Three Words

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends, when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered.
He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare, and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her,
"I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition."

(There are always conditions)
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment,
then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand
along with her address.

She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully said....
......
......
......
......
......
......
......
......
......
......
......
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"Clean my house."~

Me next

Hahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Attachments

 

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~ Nikki ~

"I'm your hell, I'm your dream.......I'm nothing in between.......You know you wouldn't want it any other way".........

"Listen, when I slap you, you'll take it and like it"..........Humphrey Bogart..........Maltese Falcon.......

Graze on my lips and if those hills be dry, stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie...........William Shakespeare.......

That was great, Nikki!

Well, in keeping with the current theme:

Q: What should you do if you come across an elephant in the forest?
A: Wipe him off and say you're sorry.

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You were a demon and a lawyer? Wow. Insert joke here."

Love it

Hahahhahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa

whats the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

one you smash with a sledgehammer, ones a watermelon.

i'll just let that one sink in.......

A WORLD of EWWWWWWWWW.

Stupid Joke time!!

Bill Clinton and Al Gore are sitting around having a conversation about their wives.

"I never slept with my wife before we were married," Gore says, "Did you?"

"I don't know," says Clinton," What was Tipper's maiden name?"

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"You, me, everyone...we are all made of star stuff." - Neil Degrasse Tyson

https://shawnsmovienight.blogspot.com/

Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish People for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon, the Prime Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders or their
representatives to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholics and the Jews. The Pope then met with his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal.

"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete.I am afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world." The Pope thought about this and since he had never held a golf club in his
life asked, "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me! ?"
"None who plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Sharon as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we will also win the match.
Everyone agreed that this was a great idea. The call was made. Of
course, Nicklaus was honored and he agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to
inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer. "Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope."Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I have played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous." How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked. Nicklaus sighed, "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes"

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"Today, war is too important to be left to politicians. They have neither the time, the training, nor the inclination for strategic thought. I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids."

I found this great real life story. Sorry its squishy.

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?""What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?""Yes, I think so." "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." ".......Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." ".......Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't.""No? Why not?" "Because there's a power outage." "A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

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Do not meddle in the affairs of Dragons.....for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was
just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I AM wearing panties!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

Bank Robbery in Dublin from newspaper march 2nd

After midnight and once in the Bank, after disabling the alarm and looking around, they were surprised to see many small safes instead of 1 or 2 large ones, hopefully filled with money and diamonds.

The robbers cracked the first safe and were surprised to find in side a small bowl of vanilla pudding!

The servalence tape picked up one of the robbers saying, " as least we won't go hungry"

The process was repeated until all the safes were opened, nothing but vanilla pudding, not one diamond or any money.

Disappointed the robbers left with nothing but a queazy feeling in their stomachs.

Next day the papers headlines read:

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.
"Let me show you," says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it.
"This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."
The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns.
"Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"
"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."
"Why not Thursday?"
"That's your day in the barrel."

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looks around the shop and says, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, 'How long before I get a haircut?'
The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy leaves.
A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looks around the shop an says, 'About an hour and half.'
The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop, and says, 'Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.' In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, 'Bill where did he go when he left here?'
Bill looked up and said, 'To your house.'

Conversations

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"

The woman says, "I'll miss you."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

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He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.

She said - Well, you succeeded.

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He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said - That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

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He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror

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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

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One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to her. "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma." And they say blondes are dumb....

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A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger....... Whoosh....immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!